Its been a mere week since the Wild Wairoa action, but I now find myself somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic in a rare case of unleashing the Mission Briefing post destination arrival. The 26 hour door to door, 3 flight adventure aside, there’s a LOT to be excited about here, so much so its hard to know where to start…

I think what’s creating the most froth is its NEW location time! I know right, all those other Euro adventures were getting sooooooo boring, it was like we were on the World Cup DH circuit… But now’s not the time for tea bagging the UCI, its all about unleashing MADeira!

Last year I lamented there were several places that I’d rather be in the world instead of having some corporate nerd fuckbag standing in front of me talking about conducting an “Enterprise Level Integrated Risk Assessment“… What the FUCK? Before we spend any time dwelling on the fact there are people/drones that partake in such cuntspeak, and feel its hugely important, lets quickly tack out of there and get ocean side.

Confession – I had absolutely no idea where Madeira was, happily ensconced in my naivety telling people it was “just off the coast of Portugal“… Er… Try Morocco? Winning at Geography once again… So much winning:


500km’s to Africa, 1,000kms to Europe allegedly

But make no mistake, I didn’t ingeniously cook up this Madeira desire all by myself one night hiding under a blanket with a torch and some hand cream, well, some of that may in fact resonate, as it was watching this excellent shredit here that first made me raise a Dirty eyebrow:

In a classic case of hairy monkey see, hairy monkey want to do about 30% of, it was that video which put Madeira firmly on the Dirty target list, like the compliant fan boi I am. But as you can imagine, its not exactly the easiest place to get to, so I needed some sort of excuse masquerading as motivation to get there…. Hellllllllo EWS!

Once again the greatest race series known to man stepped up and dropped Madeira into the mix as round 3 for the 2017 season. Its like planets aligning and then being slam dunked all in a row, who was I to say no to such an opportunity?

However, don’t let the sunny good times in the above footage fool you, this is very much a Racecation, with some guided tour goodness on Monday & Tuesday to see the other side of the island before *Fart noise* shit gets real AF come EWS practice and race:


Initial assessment? Yuuuuge

And they’re certainly not fucking about either, first year events usually want to show they have mad dirt cred, so often line up their finest gnar and biggest runs… Certainly looking at the numbers this appears to be the case, so while there was much lamenting how hard the single day round 1 was, holy fuck the 2 day numbers aren’t exactly sitting around eating artisanal cupcakes and thinking about what dinner ingredients you will chop up and put on Instagram stories that evening (Translation – Stop that shit cunts):



But before you hate my face at being in another epic location having an ENDUROgasim, just remember this is 2017, and doing it’s best to take home the Dirty Cunt of The Year award is the weather… So much for this being the first dry round of the year by the looks:


I’ve been expecting you

Looks like I’m going to need some new golden shower jokes for the race report then. Of course in keeping with the 2017 structure, it will be mint before we start practice, as it was today on the shake down spin… Oh how much I wanted to drop in on the end of Stage 9 here, poisonous apple given trails are closed until Thursday and even I’m not a big enough cunt/or French to mess with that rule:


Fuck off, these dry grassy turns definitely need a shit load of water on them before I’d consider racing down here

Stay tuned as the MADeira mission is forced to reveal itself as we go hairy balls deep on EWS Round 3 and the local trails… With 9 race stages, volcanic style rock and dodgy AF weather, the betting is open now as to the girth, quantity and quality of the melt downs to come.

2 Responses

  1. SlackBoy

    Shit Cunt, fuck this EWS crap. We want the rest of the Wairoa goods. We want, nay demand the immediate release of the shitalking, bike destroying, soul whimpering stories of the nastiness of the gorge.

    • Dirty Nomad

      Given that 2017 is all about the wave of populism, I have caved to your excellently worded demands and squeezed some more madness out of my blogging tip for you to hopefully enjoy. Not quite 100% Gorge related, but an important part of the puzzle as we build up for the part 3 climax…


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