I know what some of you will be thinking as you cast your eyes across this mission briefing title… “Yeah, he did this last year… Yawn“. Well, true… But the thing you need to understand about going to Whistler Bike Park in summer is that its NOT a trip: Its a pilgrimage

Yes, its a calling… A unique place unlike any other and a location that we itch to return to for more… This is what makes us go back year after year in the month of Radness. To be fair this is only my third trip and I am a long way off mofos that move there for the whole summer just to ride the park, which does happen, so my fever is mild in comparison. But, its a place like no other and you can always absolutely rely on it to take you to your limits and beyond, I am positive this year will be no different.

That aside, there are some key differences with this trip as opposed to last years mission. Here’s a few to warm the tastebuds and set the scene for the coming week of paying homage at the House of Gnar during Shredpocalypse II:

  • Finally on a proper DH bike – The last two trips have been on a hybrid… Yes, the faithful Santa Cruz Bullit was passable, but not the real deal and as such, its Dirty Demo time this year and fuck, its going to be next level as a result I suspect. Proper Geo, world class suspension and brake levers that won’t fuck my sensitive roadie fingers are all upsides.
  • Top of the world is open – Yes, it may take 45 mins to lift up to the top, but this trail is going to not only give us an extra 5km’s of DH action, but will also allow us to Instagram the fuck out of the place and make people who own a carbon Demo and aren’t coming super jealous. Not that we would do something like that…
  • Preparation – I have learned from last years piss poor upper body efforts and actually seen the inside of a gym this year. I won’t be winning any arm wrestle comps or cage fighting belts, but I am hoping I will be able to hold on to the bike through the berms for a change.
  • Hitting the Gnar with homeboys – Yes, the last two missions to the epicentre of radness were solo, so this is a golden upgrade of being able to get to the end of the run, fist pump people who I know instead of strangers and then generally talk to them like we are wannabe teenagers/street kids, saying ‘Fuck’ a LOT.

Yes, its a crack team descending on Whistler this time, one a veteran DN cast member and excitingly, a virgin as well! What a great combo to have on any trip where there is a massive volume of smashing going down each day.

Firstly, a man that needs no introduction, but will get one anyway. You may remember him from such excellent adventures as The Trans Provence week of awesomeness, or the Perth Pea Gravel tour, or even most recently the Radness of the #R14QT. Yes, fizzing at the gash yet again and ready for more “tell your road bike to go get fucked cunt” action, its none other than Herr Doktor:

“No mountain biking eh you weak armed cockhead, I’m going to take you down the death drop then dead lift your corpse for an extra work out”

“Ehhh, I’m gonna fucken go down fucken A-line at this angle as its science cunt”

The Dok has shredded East to West and back again, his Shred Palmares putting even Jerome Clementz (the only other person on the planet I can think of that loves the Jekyll) to shame. However, as experienced as Herr Doktor is, its his first trip to Gnar HQ and he’s fresh meat in the battle of Man Vs Mountain. His main advantage aside from Enduro racing is that he probably knows more about the Mountain than it does. I shall look forward to watching him use science in his quest for Garbonzo domination.

Now to the ‘newbie’, on his debut DN expose, we have ‘Nails‘, as in, “Hard as fucking Nails” and perhaps better known as the DMZ DH Champ, he had to flee Korea when Lil Kim was enraged at Nails for beating his army of DH warriors who were armed with Flying Pigeons running the new SHAM DH Groupset. Sporting a Santa Cruz V10, Nails is ready to take to the chairlift action with the same approach he used to apply to hapless road race competitors across Asia:

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“Grrr, gonna fucken rip ya legs off… And BBQ them… And fucken eat em… Fucken Strayla day”

Its the Aussie power combo, I will need to make sure I get to the bathroom first in the mornings as a result, planning. What can we expect on Shredpocalypse II? Well, that script is yet to be written… A shit load of berms, acres of Gnar and rock, a jamboree of Jumps and more than a few fuuuuuuuuuck moments that will require some quiet time at the end of the run. Dok has called out that he intends to hit this kind of form here:

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“Gonna go fucken superman on it Nomad… yeah… Got the angles worked out and all, using a ruler”

I endorse… Its going to be huge… A massive mix of shredding, shit talking and general radness. My main criteria will be to ensure that we avoid this scenario here… Lesson, always pre-ride the trail before charging in:

Yeah… That’s one way to cunt up your Whistler holiday. So, the massive travel action starts tomorrow, with the haul to Vancouver and beyond, so stay tuned for tales to come, lots of mad footage and of course, plenty of this golden shit right here:

Snow anyone? Iced Majito perhaps?

Mmmmmm… Sweet mountains…

Wait… Hang on… Its a gravity trip right? So what’s missing… Nomad, check. Herr Doktor, check. Demo’s, check. Hmmm… What’s not in its place? What’s missing? Which Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Downhiller isn’t accounted for? Yes, we are short one Das Wolf:

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The Wolf picks Phat Stanley over us, then suddenly regrets it: “Fuck, you guys better not send me heaps of awesome photos from Whistler you cunts”

Don’t worry Das Wolfenstein, we will ensure that you’re involved as much as possible throughout Shredpocalypse II, in our own special way of course. Watch this space!

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