Hopefully a combo of both, heavily weighted towards Naughty with only a smattering of Nice to get yourself out of the shit when things have gone sideways. Either way, its consumer fever December as Christmas looms large and the biggest source of present purchasing anxiety has no doubt started to eat away at non-cyclists:

What do I get the cyclist in my life?!

Well, time to relax, sit back and chill the fuck out as we have just the answers for you below. Ten ideas that are all winners in their own right and should cover the spectrum for the Road Cyclist in your life. Don’t worry, Part 2 will be focused on the Dirt Merchants, so everyone gets the love.

In line with the Dirty Nomad Ethos about it should be more about the riding than the purchasing (once you’ve got all the good shit sorted out), there are a few curve balls in our suggested Christmas Gift expose. The other warning that occurred to me in the proof read is that we don’t seem to have any ideas that would be considered ‘cost effective’, so buckle up and get shopping people!

Part 1. Roadies

Possibly a harder group to buy for given the tinge of elitism and the fact that Road gear is a slow trickle of new tech when compared to MTB. Still, for those scratching their heads on what to get that skinny and shaved person in your life, start with these ideas or a variation on. If they don’t dig on any of these items then download Tinder.

1. A slot in a custom and elite tour group to ANY of the Grand Tours in 2015

A slightly more expensive option to be fair, but a game changer for any Cyclist that hasn’t been to one of these events. Delivering this gift at Christmas time also allows for plenty of time to plan out a super rad Euro trip. Confused about which one to go for? Here’s a little help:

  • Giro in May – Is the person you’re buying for as hard as fucking nails and always looking to make themselves suffer until they taste blood? Or perhaps they like heading out in horrendous conditions without a jacket or proper kit so they can harden the fuck up? Then the Giro d’italia is the one. Pack for snow.
  • Tour in July – Do they have a penchant for croissants and at least 3 or 4 OCD’s, including being highly organised and like to follow rules? Then say Bonjour to the tour. Pack the sunscreen.
  • Vuelta in Sept – Do they like to sleep in, fart in lifts, love getting pissed after every ride and have a thing for Paella? Hook your laid back Christmas target up with a Vuelta gift. Pack for awesome scenery.
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Venge venge etc etc!!

2.2015 Campagnolo Super Record

Perhaps your Christmas target needs a little bit more fanciness and reliability in their life? Have they come home from a ride stuck in the small chainring from their SHAM drive train? Or perhaps you’re sick of the noise those awful cassettes make? Regardless, if you want to win the Christmas war forever, then head to your local bike shop and say “one 2015 Super Record Groupset please“. Sure, the new crank is polarising views, but 5 minutes into the first ride I suspect there won’t be any complaints:

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Italian goodness making sweet love with your frame

3. SPORTS massage vouchers

Chances are the Roadie in your life is racking up crazy miles driven by the unshakable desire that maybe they will suddenly become PRO if they can just sustain 20 hours per week. They’ll also be gearing up for the Strava Festi 500, which fucks up your festivity plans no end, so one thing is clear from all of this: They need some TLC (or a slap).

Get them some massage vouchers, not only will this help feed their already dangerous #IamPRO mindset, but you’ll have less whinging to contend with about sore legs. Possibly aim for the non-happy ending variety, unless you have a team mate that’s into that sort of thing… Depends how awkward you like your team BBQ’s.

4. Set of Knight 65 Carbon wheels

The best gift you can give a road cyclist? WHEELS. They need training wheels, climbing wheels, deep dish wheels, full disc wheel for TT’s (used twice a year), clinchers, tubs, spare wheels, black wheels and on and fucking on. No such thing as too many wheels to a roadie and they can all be easily justified, like people who live in Wellington and still want to rock 80mm deep dish carbon wheels, AKA – Death Wish VI. The best upgrade is a hot pair of wheels and the New Kid on the Block are these units right here, Knight Carbon Clincher 65’s. Not as expensive as a set of Enve’s, new design and lots of deep dish goodness. If these blow your brains out too much, then the new Fulcrum Racing Zero is an absolute winner in full black set-up.

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“Oh honey, you shouldn’t have!!”

5. A Bike fit

Chances are the Roadie in your life got out a tape measure and together with some mates (who probably don’t want to be beaten) they roughly measured up what looked like an okish fit on the bike.

No

Apparently its ‘off season’ at the moment in most places, so perfect timing to get a PRO bike fit and sort out adjustments that no doubt need to be made. Upside is that it will get rid of the bitching about sore this or that, as well as making your Christmas target feel PRO, which lets face it, is pretty much the present they really want. Find the best bike fitter in your area and arrange some sort of voucher scenario. Dirty recommendation: http://bikefitasia.com.

6. Some DN Road kit

BLATANT MARKETING ALERT – Ok, so probably not in time for Christmas, but you could print them this pic and the shit should be at HQ in early Jan, so something to look forward to. Only purchase for your partner if you’re feeling secure in your relationship, as they will soon be mobbed by 20 year old Female Baristas, MILF’s and the occasional B Grade Actress or extra once they hit the road with this Dirtiness strapped to them, irrespective of their gender. More details here if you want to bestow this curse gift on anyone:

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Perfect for summer spinning… And being stopped by the Police

7. Tickets to Japan

Ok, so slightly more to the upper end of the spend spectrum, but if you want to WIN Christmas (fucking face it, its an arms race), then this is the winner. Call it a training camp, call it a boys trip, call it exploring – Who cares, its just a RAD place to go. I know I froth up large when talking about Japan, but can you blame me? Its mega under rated for Road riding and aside from that, its just a cool place to be. Head to the mountains or the sweet roads of Niseko and indulge. You’ll be as jealous as fuck if you don’t go with the present recipient (to drive the support car), so make sure you book in as well. Get used to this:

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See, even male models can ride in the Japanese Alps

8. A Wahoo Kickr

I hate indoor trainers… I think I’ve had 6 in my life and I resented them all. So, when I cunted myself to the max and needed something for when I’m able to start spinning again, everyone pointed me to the Wahoo Kickr. Whilst the concept of indoor riding still irritates me, if you live somewhere that gets snow or winter fisted, then there is only one option to go for, as this thing is a weapon. Stay tuned for a full review, but if your Cycling loved one is a bit of a power cunt or gets OCD on adherence to training plans and never wants to miss a session, then this gift will have them fire trucking under the tree with excitement on Christmas morning. The Monocle magazine for a front wheel block is extra, and I don’t recommend it if you have a whiff of status anxiety about you:

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Ultra thin seat stays should be sweet on this right?

9. Entry to a stage race

You’re not a road racer until you’ve done a multi day stage race… If your Christmas target has never done one, but spends a lot of their time pretending to be PRO by claiming they can’t walk up stairs, continually having salad at ALL meals and thinks its ok to wear a cycling cap with jeans, then this gift is a valid option. Ideally find one that isn’t in a total cunty location, which pretty much cancels out all the Asian races. My pick in NZ would be 5 Passes if its their first stage race, but some research will quickly give you a range of options. Ultimate cool factor? Find something in France… Sure, they will get pounded by scary actual PRO looking mofos, but the stench of excellence of racing in Europe would quickly outweigh the downsides of reality. Best done in a team, so round up their friends to get in on the act! Partners will love you for it…

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Kind of like a TTT… Except with a lot more gaps… Outside chance that’s me at the back, but FUCK my Rapha socks look good

10. A Scicon hard shell bike case

Don’t be mistaken in thinking that this is a material gift… It may take on that shape and the price take will make you mutter “Fucken fuck“, but its actually an experiential gift if ever there was one. Yes, once this gift is bestowed on the lucky recipient the world is their Christmas brunch Oyster. Yip, they can now load up their much loved road bike and go ANYWHERE in the world to explore, ride and get some new stories. This is the pivotal piece of equipment in unlocking awesome new riding experiences and stealing abstract KOM’s, so whilst its last on this list, it should perhaps be at the front of yours when heading out the door in your SUV to get busy with the Christmas shopping. If you’re lucky enough and argue long enough with the ANA check in staff, then you also may have the chance to run down the air bridge with your bike case as well, HAI!

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Hai! run… Hai! run… etc etc

Well, that just about covers it for the Roadies… I didn’t recommend any bikes as A) that’s way too hard and B) nothing on the market is giving me road wood at the moment, so hard to make an authentic recommendation.

If you have been naughty, don’t worry about it too much… So has Santa… Make sure you have the volume FULL loud if you’re watching this at work so you can hear all the key points:

Stay tuned for the Mountain Bikers Christmas shopping buyers guide coming as a fast follower…

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