Someone said ‘Merry Christmas’ to me over the weekend, I stared at them blankly as I tried to work out if its actually ok to mutter those words in November… Just for good measure I made it as awkward as possible by just staring back and saying nothing. But it did get me thinking that its indeed getting closer to that time when we need to help Santa empty his sac, he’s been saving up for a while now, so its going to be a gusher in a few weeks. For those of you stressing out on what to buy your cycling loved one, I shall be doing an enlightening post soon on what to purchase, so stay tuned.

In the mean time, perhaps its best to start with this little ensemble here, which also happens to get the snowball rolling on today’s avalanche of Randomness. WHOOP WHOOP, new XTR M9000 in da Dirty HQ!

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We’ve been together for 20 years and you just keep getting hotter and hotter…

Even the BOX this stuff comes in it classy and hot… Let alone the actual gear itself. Thanks Shimano for producing yet another sensational Gruppo, would have been even more awesome if the Crank was available at the same time, yes, a Dirty Nomad waits… Hopefully we can actually get building soon. Nomad 3 + XTR = come sound. That’s actual science FYI.

Speaking of Japan and new purchases… Time to cross to something of the same theme, but totally different…

There is only one thing that I hate more than a CX bike… Or an Avanti… Yes, that’s right, the FAT BIKE. I’m definitely not Robinson Crusoe here either, even the most mild mannered of Welsh Gentlemen are queuing up in droves for a good old fashioned stoning of people caught on these cuntraptions. “Surely eBikes are worse?!” You hear their riders cry before losing consciousness thanks to a carefully aimed stone to the side of the temple. Yes, these hideous creatures bring out a form of Bicycle ethnic cleansing not often seen in civil society.

It therefore takes a lot of skill, panache and style to make it seem reasonably cool. The man for the job? That’s right, none other than the Snow Hawk @ Niseko HQ. Probably helps his cause that he’s one of the minority of people that use these things for their actual intended environment (SNOW for all you fuck heads trying to make them cool in Asia, stop that shit).

Knowing he was running down that fine, razor sharp and jagged line of being forever cast out into the wilderness he cleverly built up mucho coolness capital with the DN 2.0 redesign, the burning hot DN road kit and then to complete his Keyser Soze like SNOWbike plan, he went stealth black, Shimano and Thomson to make it hard for us to sentence him to donkey fornication for the next 18 months. This is the only time this website will EVER endorse a SNOWbike, not that we are hypocritical and play favourites at all… ever:

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Snow KOM”s gonna be taking a pounding from the FATness

The downsides to this cunning plan? I usually enjoy the Japanese winter knowing the Hawk is in hibernation, consuming 3 times the recommended daily allowance of Lawsons fried chicken, which combined with special release Asahi washed away his powers and made him prime plucking in the spring… Cancel that ‘Spring Hawk Hunt’ mission now folks, a winter of snow plow action is going to render that concept simply foolish.

Shall we push on with this themes of early Christmas present masterbation? Wouldn’t be a self-giving gift update without crossing live to Wolf HQ where he has continued on his Santa Cruz junkie binge, this time picking up the nostalgic darling in the line up, the Santa Cruz Heckler! And I have to say, this one is perhaps the most awesome looking Heckler you’re likely to EVER see, anywhere:

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“Will you be staying with us for long sir? Or just a few weeks like your brothers?”

The Heckler holds a special place in the heart given I spent 7 years on various iterations, this new Devil Wheeled version looking so gooood, especially when you could almost swear those Mavic wheels were colour coded for it. Start saving. (It will be on the market in 2 weeks.)

Probably not in time for Christmas, but still a gift that everyone will need soon, Go PRO have decided to take things to the next level and inadvertently bring Judgement Day closer by getting balls deep into the Drone business. Here I am fevering to get a new Go PRO Hero 4 and they are already going next level with this shit:

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Nude sun bathing cougar tracking just went next level

Whats the problem with this? Well, its going to completely fuck all amateur video making. Very soon, if you don’t have one of these bad boys in action, your already marginally interesting Go PRO videos are going to look terrible without ‘Drone cut in’. I will therefore be forced against my will to buy one to keep up in this arms race and will do so in the knowledge that at some stage my Drone will become self aware and turn on me in a nightmare scenario that even John Connor wouldn’t be able to imagine.

Nightmare scenario? What a fucking Segway right there! I recently took the piss out of Astana a little bit and described the Iglinsky household as a “nest of cunts” after two brothers were both busted within months for juicing up like its 2004 and they were Postmen. Most people would be quite concerned if they ran the team where this was going down AND it just so happened to be the team with the 2014 Tour de France champion in it… But not Vino, he’s not worried at all. After 3 members of the conti feeder team were then also busted in November (roughly), having just ‘stolen’ $100k in prize money at a stage race in China (who the fuck wants to stage race there anyway?!), I asked him if he was concerned that this was a bad look:

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“Vino not worried, I love fresh juice for breakfast…”

In true cunt fashion, after saying that the conti team was “Nothing to do with us at all“, he finally suspended the team after the third strike… Yeah, the team he had nothing to do with… Whilst Time magazine are running their ‘Person of the Year’ contest, Vino has been solidly moving up the ranks in a far more illustrious competition, the DN ‘Cunt of the Year’ prize. Watch this space. I’m not one of those cycling blogs that whines on and on endlessly about doping fuckwittery, but I do love a good circus, which Astana are champions at providing for us.

Speaking of politics and cycling (BAD mix)… Someone got out the tub of awkwardness and smeared it all over this little gathering. #Madtony rocking up with a fucking Ruby Project helmet of all things to Shirtfront Gerro on coming second at the World Champs, which wasn’t as bad as that helmet and sock combo there Tony. Would someone please cut that fuuuucking helmet strap to length…

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“Someone tell that Japanese Koala to get outta me country!”

Speaking of Shirtfronting, MTN have pulled a swift one pre-Christmas, signing a whole lot of used-to-be big names to their squad before they unleashed the worst kit for the 2015 season… Good to see we’ll finally have some referees in PRO cycling though I guess. And the new guys thought the hardest thing was going to be riding Cervelo’s, think again lads…

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“Fucken come ON ref!”

Here’s a quick Christmas hint for the Dirt Merchant in your life, get them a pass and petrol vouchers to head to Four Forty MTB Park south of Auckland (Air fare to fly to NZ also useful). I did a little ‘fear of missing out’ rant on this recently, but this video does it more justice if you have 5 minutes to spare, lets face it, its Monday and someone at work is being cunty, so the answer is yes. Once you get past the slightly hill billy intro piece, the riding looks pretty good, especially the ENDURO portion. Also, I apologise about the Giant’s in here, just try and ignore the bikes and focus on the trails:

Far out, more randomness than you can shake an odd shaped stick at today, I’m almost spent, but finally, a Dirty Nomad Health advisory for residents of Toa Payoh, please remember this important note next time you’re down at Cold Storage getting fleeced to fuck for the worlds most expensive groceries:

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Apparently you can’t milk anything with nipples?

If you’re freaking out about Christmas shopping for cyclist, stay tuned for a semi helpful shopping guide coming up soon… Rock on.

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