Woah, we are rammed massively with randomness today! Even trying a out new title for the Dirty Random Round Up, today bringing you the Dirty R.I.M, Random Information Monday. Let me know if you think it’s got legs… Speaking of legs, how about we get balls deep into some Giro fever, literally.
Cuntador was quoted as saying that he wanted to “stay in Pink for as long as possible” and “didn’t want to give it up easily“. In stating this, he fooled the entire world of cycling media as to what he was meaning, but not here at Dirty HQ, we know what the fuck was up with that call, oh yeah:
Fuck its been a brutal race so far, don’t let the initial sunshine fool you, the rain has arrived and the carnage has been cranked up to the nek level. From a couch draping perspective you can’t miss a single kilometre of even the so called “flat easy stages”, which end up being anything but.
Of course, all the talk last week was about that wheel change and rules, blah blah, but ultimately the UCI decided that a 3 horse race was far too exciting and heaven forbid, it may even become FUN! They therefore acted swiftly and swooped in to rigidly enforce an obscure rule… Thank fuck we nailed Richie, rule breaking cunt! Lets not worry about any Eastern Block originating team, some of whom are litigious so we may not name directly, we don’t need to worry about them said the UCI, just those mofo’s swapping wheels…
However, that wasn’t actually the thing people should have been focused on. Significantly more cunty that a rule following commissaire was THIS guy, holy fuck, its like a BBQ fork crossed with a selfie stick! With a pink handle? Stop that shit, immediately… Should have his credentials revoked and handed over the DN Media stat:
But we all know what this is actually about… They all hate Richie’s Bang bus… Like a tall poppy swaying in the Italian costal breeze, the traditionalists are hating the fact that Richie has a sanctuary in order to
smash podium girls back wheels in recover for the next stage without the hassle of hotels, sure, this marginal gain turned into a horrendous loss over a handful of stages, but lets face it haters, who is going to turn down this set up over some shitbox Italian hotel and its various stains? Plush as:
Important note, pillows cast aside in such a vigorous manner is a dead give away that its been business time in the bang bus, perhaps that’s got something to do with the Sky Giro challenge going to seed? Reports are Sky have decided to bin this marginal pampering after Froome asked if he could take Coco the
cunt cat on board for the duration of the Tour. Clearly Dave B is not a cat man.
Speaking of talk about various performances, no, this won’t be a reference to Asstana having 5 guys on the front US Postal style last night in the final 10km’s of a mountain stage, but rather a nod to the Inner Ring for nailing it with this tweet during the week that pretty much summed up what we were ALL thinking when the rider in question rode away from the breakaway that was already going full gas…
Speaking of sad faces… I don’t want to end up in Aru-bitration here, but Fab wasn’t that pumped with the arrival of the usual shit weather, mega poo mouthed over losing time on a ‘simple finish’… Looks like someone needs a bag… Of COOKIES!!
Let’s turn that weird fish like frown upside down though, with the prestige of winning the Pink jersey of Cuntador, who interestingly, had never lost a grand tour jersey before in his career. Take that fact and add in he was the first Sardinian to wear pink and it would be enough to make anyone ecstatic! Or not…
Perhaps the lemon mouth was the thought of the downsides of getting the jersey the day before a reaming 59.7km TT two weeks into the race? Or that combined with the fact you suddenly regret doing all those articles about how much time you’ve spent in the wind tunnel in the off season working on your TT, so much so that if you don’t nail it, you’re going to look like a total cock. Ouch… Thanks for the loaner jersey for a day Cunty.
That wasn’t the only frowning going down in cycling the last week, its hard to overlook this awesome cardinal sin, in vintage Goat like fashion, here we get to see Morgan Kneisky give it the big shukka before being gunned down by someone who was taught to race to the line as a kid…
But lets face it, the burn of all of these scenario’s fades into the background in comparison with the latest offering from Rapha that popped up over the weekend. What is it this time? Helmet collaboration? Silk gloves to assist with post ride wanking? Nope… Instead, its headphones… Eh? Yup, headphones… Was I able to keep a straight face as I scanned the marketing material with that warm feeling of piss taking glee welling up inside me? Not a chance.
You’ll be so upset about the continued brand erosion that you’ll want to curl up Emo style in the back of a car, put on your saddest playlist and look as sour as possible while you contemplate whether or not you’ve just been dumped because you were either wearing too much Rapha casual gear, or perhaps asking to be choked by the Rapha silk scarf was a little too freaky for him after all? Either way, according to the website, clearly buying these head phones makes you depressed… Perhaps its because you work out that paying $456 for them made you a bit of a cunt?
Now, don’t get me wrong… I have 67% of the Rapha website jammed into my cupboard, including a whole shitload of winter kit that now smells like old people due to lack of relevance & use here in the tropics, but even though I’m more than partial to its artisanal marketing, this definitely feels like they’ve jumped the shark a little bit. My favourite moments from the press release:
“The earpad material is the same African Hair Sheep leather used for Rapha’s GT Gloves…”
“ideal for travelling or warming up on a stationary trainer”
Don’t know about you, but last time I did an indoor training session, there was more sweat flooding off me than a wolf in a bike shop sale. Chances are I would melt through the African sheep ass action and set them on fire, I can see the headline now: “Cunt killed by overpriced artisinal headphones during overly vigorous wahoo session, coroner rules it an act of natural selection“.
It’s not all just road PRO hoe action though… No, At last the next round of the ENDURO World Series was on over the weekend in Ireland of all places! Turns out that they love the fuck out of ENDURO as well, which is probably why a local PRO bolted out of the blue to win the round, not something many of us would have picked. The usual French legends fading for one reason or another, leaving Greg Callaghan to take it out from Kiwi Justin Leov (Yeah Boi etc etc). Looks like they turned on some quality gnar to test the PRO’s and make the amateurs shit their fox shorts:
Did I have EWS withdrawal seeing all the pics and updates hitting me in the face all weekend? Absolutely… It would have been super rad to join that tribe to hit the next rounds and keep the ENDURO dream rolling, but I’m not wallowing in ENDURO pity, its now under two weeks to go until Europe, so its not exactly like I’m hard done by right?
Someone that is though? Kelly McGazza…. Holy FUCK… Someone at Red Bull decided it would be a good idea to have their latest whack stunt/event on the great wall of China… with literally 1000 stairs and some badly designed jumps thrown in for extra carnage measure. Drop 97kg McGaz into the mix and well, another bad day at the office for Atomlab rims, OUCH:
Apparently nothing broken, but suspect China will be a one off trip? I would be suddenly homesick for qTown if I was him!
Finally today, we had a massive breakthrough over the weekend! We’re pleased to announce that we’ve tracked down and reunited Das Wolf (on the right) with his long lost brother, who turns out to be Rob Warner (on the left), ex-World Cup PRO and commentator legend (some may recall also a DN PRO stalking victim in Meribel). The Wolf is currently product testing for SHAM in Mountain Creek, helping to refine the new Boxxer internals and was as excited as we were to know that one of the DN Global Collective had such a famous relative!
Phooooaaaaaaa…. Big update, consider yourself fully R.I.Med if you made it this far! Take that into the rest of your day, hopefully it doesn’t make you sit uncomfortably through afternoon meetings.