Warning today – If you feel the sting of indecency whenever you see or hear the C-Bomb, best give today a miss…
And finally, its here… the awards that a niche subsection of society have been patiently waiting for all year! Slightly more specialised that the Time ‘Person of the year’ awards, and in a different genre from the Nobel Peace prize, winners of this no less prestigious award will pass in the anals of history (no, not a typo thanks) due to their contribution to cuntery in 2014. That’s right, its time for the holy grail of authentic award ceremonies:
The Dirty Nomad Cunt of The Year Awards – 2014
A lot of award ceremonies like the Oscars or Golden Globes have some sort of complicated nomination and voting scenario that no one really understands and bogs the whole thing down in paperwork. No such issues here, we like to simplify things and just go back to basics. Its stands to reason, if something or someone exhibits behaviour that would make most of us going “Yeah, that’s a bit cunty” then its fair game here. Its important to note that most of the time in DN travels we mainly run into awesome people, but when I polled the base to see what awards were the most popular to go for, it was unanimous: cuntspotting
For 2014 we had a pretty rich pool to deal with globally, and that’s just in the cycling world… Dr Seuss even gave us a heads up on the fact that we were likely to encounter such a scenario:
So, with the Seuss on board and our righteousness peaking, lets get underway with the Dirty 2014 COTY Awards! Drum roll etc…
1. Riccardo Ricco
Ok, so could have picked any number of morons that think its still the good old days before Lance and the Yanks fucked up quality juicing forever with crying Oprah outbursts, but out of all the dumb mofucks still getting pinged its hard to go past Ricco… Busted at least 3 or 4 times, mixed in with a trip to the hospital after fucking up a DIY Transfusion that almost killed him, before finally being arrested in a Macca’s carpark like Jesse Pinkman trying to sell gear to other riders… Sigh… If anyone wakes up in the morning, looks in the mirror and says “I’m going to roll like a total cunt head today“, then its this guy (in yellow, just behind the second worse juice head, Weird Dan):
2. The Kittel ambush selfie gimp
We all know social media and Go PRO selfie sticks are bringing out the worst in people, and that’s a trend that’s set to continue… We also know that I love a good dose of celebrity stalking, but even I ask for permission after creepily standing around on the fringes for 45 minutes to an hour. So, when Kittel/Bros did an amazing sprint to win an early stage in the Giro in May, which required such an effort that he collapsed after taking the stage, it was horrific to see him get feasted on by this Chav in standard issue matching Adidas track suit. As if this angle wasn’t bad enough…
Then this angle definitely confirms the fuckwittery…
3. The Faux World Champion pusher
Its the penultimate day of the Giro… On one of the most famous climbs in cycling… in a two man break that is going to stay away and decide the eventual winner of the stage. You’ve been sitting on the wheel saving yourself and you come from a small shit team, so this is a BIG deal and you know you can take the win! And then, as you’re on the limit and locked in battle, some cunt in a World Champs rip-off jersey pushes you off. Yes, can’t make that shit up… But, it happened:
The crime here is double: Wearing the Worlds Champ jersey when it clearly wasn’t earned and touching a PRO. Guilty of extreme cuntery and sentenced to only being allowed to attend Fixie or Fat bike events for life.
4. Champsys shorts
Our first non-human entry, but a deserving contender in its own right… Like most cunts, things appeared to be ok on face value, even quite fancy looking. Initial impressions were favourable, but then, like a Stages Power meter, when these bib-shorts got wet, the nasty fuckers turned on their owners en masse and attacked ball sacks with more rigour than a cougar’s hens party for a third marriage.
Mainland Chinese factories can make the fuck out of iPhones and plastic toys until the milk powder is tainted, but these knicks are living evidence that cycle short making is best left to the Swiss. People who had never been chaffed in their life were screaming in agony come post ride shower after being cut to ribbons by this bastard kit. Our position of hatred for the gear fully justified when members of a PRO Conti team certified to us that yes, indeed, this gear was cunted. Case closed:
5. Weird Expats
Our first Group award, but that shouldn’t water down its importance… Nor should it encompass all Ex-pats – Just the ones that have lost touch with reality (not a small number to be fair). Yeah, you know the ones! Common symptoms include a complete lack of accountability (for anything), low to no EQ, an inability for self-reflection and the well worn trait of thinking they’re PRO cyclists when in reality they probably wouldn’t even make the cut to hand out bottles in the feed zone.
The ranks of this group do seem to swell as the years push on, if you’re nervously looking around your friends for signs they may be infected by this niche strain of cuntery, then watch out for excessive drama when there is clearly no issue, any talk they have about becoming a World Champ (unless they’re the WA), or the two most frequent offences: Claiming they’ve been off the bike for 3 months (they rode every day) or when they recite their average speed being excessively high post ride (the figure provided usually the highest speed they saw on their Garmin throughout the ride, then oddly extrapolated). Weird stretching also a dead give away that cuntishness has taken hold…
6. Vino 4 Eva
I don’t need to write anything. Look at the jersey he wore on the Champs. Total cunt.
P.S – We’d like that London Olympics Gold medal back… As IF! And a special mention to the 5 cuntbags in Astana and its feeder team busted in the last 6 months… Full retard.
7. The last Bridge at the end of the 2014 World Champs DH run
Our second inanimate object in this years awards, but no less deserving either. “Hate the player not the bridge!” some may say, but fuck that, I ain’t buying it. The whole WORLD wanted Ratboy to win the World Champs, including the people that didn’t know it was on. We all watched with nerves invading every crevice of our cycling bodies as he carved down the Norwegian DH course at the World Champs. Up at every split, all that lay ahead of Ratboy adding the Rainbow Jersey to his World Cup title win was one bridge… One cunty bridge… Sure, he could have/should have/would have scrubbed it, but if it wasn’t there we would be euphoric in a Ratboy/Santa Cruz V10c world champs victory. Instead we have to watch the Rainbow Jersey get worn on a GT for 12 months – A rubbish bag full of cuntox basically:
There are loads of other decent candidates floating around, but from a cycling perspective, this is about it. I was going to include Tour of Matabungkay, but figured that they already have enough bad press to deal with. And so… The winner is?!
That’s up to you…
Yes, if you’re exclusive enough to be a regular follower and read this far then its proof that you’re a free thinking mofo and I’ll be fucked if I’m going to tell you what to do. Besides, cunts are like chamois, everyone has a different view on fit and size. Any of the seven in this post are worthy candidates for the title this year, so pick away based on your preferred taste of cuntishness and what sort of mood you’re in.
For anyone that gets upset reading this, either because they made it into the finals or they feel sorry for said cunts, then its just best to remember these profound words, reflect on them, for they are as prophetic as they are true: