Ok, so I am ‘happy’ to admit it… We have entered the phase of Post Mission Depression (PMD) and I am pining for the sweet dirt and shredding action of qTown. Of course, the Sunday road race total fucking melt down session hasn’t helped, nor has being balls deep in editing Go PRO footage from last weeks golden riding.

Yes, I am having problems letting go… I refuse to take responsibility for that though and I should hardly be blamed for it either, I mean honestly FFS, how hard was it getting on a small plane to leave one of the best places ever? Harder than trying to bridge to a break when you clearly can’t mange it, that’s how hard:

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Insanely close to throwing myself down on the runway and faking a seizure

Fuck yes it felt wrong to leave… But to be fair, I was wrecked and as the shredding gods would have it, we struck a blessed window for #R14QT, it rained the 2 days prior to our arrival and then promptly started pissing down just after we left! Technically that’s what we call a ‘Massive fucking win’ in the DN business, as I had quietly shat myself about the weather all week, but we lucked in.

And now, as is tradition, some extremely important tips, tricks and points that will either enlighten or kill non-essential brain cells depending on your persuasion:

1. A word on DH trips

Word up – DH trips are NOT trail riding trips… Sounds obvious really, but its easy to think that they are. Yes, you’re riding down trails just like you do on a trail ride, but there are some key differences:

  • You’re only there to ride down, so its s smashfest. You attack the trail like a horny honey badger thats seen another badger covered in, er, honey. Its a step up in intensity over how you ride a trail bike
  • Repetition – Shuttling and Gondola dramatically increases the volume of vert that you can smash in a day. Trail riding means you have to climb up and waste precious energy and time. Not so with the sweet DH love, you can jam in as many runs as your T Rex arms can manage, which equates to accumulative destruction as the days go on
  • Gear gets hammered – We made good friends with the mechanics… Not major stuff, but there are lots of niggly and cunty things that happen. Shit comes loose, wheels go out of true, cables break, brakes need to be bled and you can snap a chain guide in half. Radness is not cheap, so expect a months worth of trail riding maintenance in a few days of DH pumping
  • And finally, after exhaustive scientific research (Dok IS science and everyone ended up exhausted), its been confirmed beyond any doubts: Trail bikes can fuck off on DH trips. Yes, bringing a blunt spoon to a tactical nuclear exchange cliches aside, we love our trail bikes, but when its DH shred time, trail bikes belong back at HQ. Here we discuss what spec Demo the Wolf is going to buy ASAP:
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“I’m not buying a DH bike you cunts”

But, we have worked out a magical formula now on how these trips roll in terms of the golden form and freshness peak, so here is the secret DN formula of what you can expect day by day if you’re NOT in your 20’s and you may or may not be a builder:

  1. Form is patchy… Dad braking may be occurring and generally you’re shitting in your armoured shorts. You may wonder why the fuck you are there and even be thinking its time to sell the DH bike and buy a town bike. Last runs of the day starting to feel better
  2. Today you feel like a Mountain Biker… Warm up runs a bit average, but its starting to grow and you feel mini Rad. At this point you’ll either progress well, or over-confidence and ego will result in you eating shit and sliding down the snake back to the start. Finish feeling good and ready for MORE
  3. Warm up a little better, but today is the GOLDEN period. Yes, day 3 is an all day multiple shredgasim as you carve, roost, spray (dirt fool) and generally do all things Rooster can do. You’ll scare yourself, say FUCK involuntarily, dish fist pumps embarrassingly in public and speak like a teenager/street kid. This includes saying CUNT loudly in public at lunch and in front of old people/minors. But fuck, you don’t care, its the shredding peak and you’re basically a Marvel character on a DH bike, so rock on
  4. Day 4… Super powers remain, but there is this new feeling called fatigue starting to niggle. Hands and wrists are a little freaky and it may start to feel tiresome to slow the bike down… BUT, you’re going fucking scary fast and are loving the now memorised trails. Day 4 can go like day 2: HERO or, a big fucked up ZERO. Choice is yours pal…
  5. Ah… There are two things you can do today: 1) Take a much needed rest day and extend your trip or 2) Head back up for more Gnar. Option 2 likely to end in tears and potentially the equation of fatigue vs radness tips badly out of your favour. May also result in finally losing your shit in that section where you’ve just been getting away with it…

The DN recommendation is to manage your radness to fatigue levels as the DH trip progresses. Unless you’re under 30 in which case you’re skim reading this and mumbling ‘soft cunt’ as you shake your head. But, once you’ve lost that radness feeling, its time to chill.

2. A word on Rental Bikes

Yes, head to a remote location, take your gear and rent a bike! YAY! Let’s go family! It will be fun! Back that rental Demo up, not so fast. Yes, I know it can be done, BUT, you need to have eyes wide open.

If you’re the sort of person that prides themselves on their kit, or have painstakingly built their bike to your OCD specifications, down to the aligning of tire sidewall graphics to the rim, then getting a rental bike may not fill you with joy. In a case study, Herr Doktor inspects the Wolf’s rental number with measurable disdain, note its parked away from the real Demo’s:

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Inner thoughts: “Rubbish”

Yes, technically it IS a DH bike…. But, its been slammed so much chances are it makes Lindsey Lohan look like a virgin that’s never been to a pub. Yes, it will most likely feel flogged out, have shit brakes, blown forks getting 70% of their travel and tires that could range from ‘cut down’ to semi slick.

Take your own bike – If you are being held hostage by hardliners know as the FAMILY and forced against your will to use one, hunt around town and rent the best fucker you can lay your mitts on. Get in early, sort the brakes out and make sure the pedals are up to spec. Getting the suspension set to your weight is also key if you can arrange that, assuming the rear shock still has some charge in it.

3. A word on leaving early

I dare you… I double dare you motherfucker… Leave early one more god damn time. Its gold as it allows for this behaviour to take root, thank you smartphones and Whatsapp for allowing us to share the love with those that punch out:

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GEEEEETTTT SOME!

4. A final word on why creating a # is a good thing to do

At the start of #R14QT, we made the call to Instagram the fuck out of everything. I need no encouragement here, but its quite rad when you get everyone pissing in the same pot, so to speak, and the album you can get at the end is pretty cool. So, here it is, the Gravity Bros reunion album courtesy of Instagram and the best use yet of our old friend the hashtag, not just for fucking you off when you ring a customer service hotline. Note, like last time I did this the order is a bit fucked up, but you’ll work it out:

R141 R142 R143 R144

And so… that’s a WRAP on the reunion action. Well, almost, as I will soon be leaking out a plethora of Dirty video action over the next week or so. A fucking excellent trip thanks to the weather, the location, the trails, the amazing Demo (gear rant coming), BUT above all thanks to these two shredding mofos:

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Did somebody order the Lumberjack?

Great trip boys and thanks for the good times. A whole heap of stuff was worked out for Shredpocalypse II later this year, which brings me to another point. Its also full speed ahead on our next mission… GW2W:

GET… WOLF…. 2… WHISTLER 

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