I’ve been so ENDURO balls deep in Trans Provence fever and write ups that my plan to do a completely unrequited weekly TDF wrap up has gone massively sideways. Part 1 had so many roadie ‘in’ jokes that it was basically more Russian than a Cannes menu, so I shall try and ease up on that for this ranting run down.
I noted last night that I brought a coke at the end of Day 2 on TP from an Esso station that the Tour rode past on Stage 17, which automatically makes me more than well qualified to pass the below opinions/judgments/innuendos.
And hasn’t this second week been as busy as a newly reopened Greek ATM? Cav finally got his win, no doubt stirred on by my reference to his hunting days being over, but the Gorilla continued to dominate him in a ‘fuck you for all those days at HTC’ Uma Thurman revenge mission. Sagan become the tour’s Casanova by continually coming second and we had what we all secretly hoped for: Controversy!
On that note, and as Luca likes to say, lets get this fucken party STARTED!!
1.Total confusion over the post stage Coke
I’m sure this has happened to us all… Get to the end of a hard ride or race and you’re absolutely gagging for a coke to recover. Unfortunately there was a serious comms mix up on the Katusha bus when Luca got back fingered after the Pave on Stage 4 and demanded coke. Combine that with an eager to please Sougnuier and a beard that clearly never says ‘no’ and you’ve got yourself a party YO! Rumour has it there were also traces of pubic hair found in the same sample.
It took about 2.5 minutes after the news broke for this to go feral on-line. Let’s face it, this is basically why the Internet was ultimately invented… Some of the best work that came out and caught my attention:
This HAS to be the winner surely, superb work internet:
And it just kept on coming… Even employing other notables of course…
2. The Big Four/Five/Back to Four
What a bust… The hype was massive and I even brought into it, but should have known better. The expectation of a 4 way punch up was what got this Tour erect, but the first chance we got to have it all unfold and it was reduced to one skinny fucker faster than I can come up with a new cat joke that I haven’t used before… Yup, checked, I’ve pretty much used all of them, so concerning. No one was amused.
So what’s going on?
- Nibbles – Quoted as saying he’s not even “the little brother of Nibali from last year“, an odd third person reference but a good case study in what happens when you try and ride a real Tour clean. Ouch. Still my favourite GC guy, but man, its been a melt down that even prompted perennial COTY candidate Vino to suggest that Nibbles was fucked in the head… Glasshouse X many billions there Kazakh dog
- Cuntador – Shows you that even Russian gold can’t even create miracles… There is a solid reason for people winning the double back in the days before the Yanks arrived and fucked up the Omertà. The double vaporising quicker than steak tartare at a “Yes, my dog is a human actually” birthday party
- The cGnome – Still having to deal with Valverde’s Spanish mind games and tea-bagging on the team bus tomfoolery, The only one that seems able to stop a repeat of 2013… If only someone would stop hiding his step ladder to get on the bike
- Captain Coco – Forget the stem gags, lets get the chicken wings pumping. Yes, more chicken action than a Lawsons here and utterly terrible to watch. If you don’t agree, a quick comparison to Moser on the left who had some style will help you out.
And word of a 5th big name? Teejay Vanginaerin made the double fatal error of A) referring to himself as a Backstreet Boy and B) outlining his strength was his consistency. Point A became an instant nightmare for the BMC PR dept, which lets face it, are already under the pump and point B became somewhat regretful when he got spat out in due course, culminating in another DNF. He got to experience first hand the meaning of being lonely after all… Perhaps next year, easy on the rest day press conf brah.
3. Cumming on a couple of French fries
You’re as French as fuck… You did better than even your parents thought you would in the 2014 Tour… You’ve been talked up massively for 2015… And you’ve absolutely gone to shit in the first week and watched your tour GC chances vaporise quicker than a croissant in my mouth. Exhausted from 12 months of an unlimited supply of French housewife cougar action, your 2015 tour just didn’t pan out.
So, when you get the chance at redemption by winning a stage, you SO don’t fuck it up… Unless you’re Pinot and Bardet. The two dudes who had perhaps one end each of the massive weight of French expectations on their shoulders, at least one would get redemption heading into Mende on that sweet airfield finish. It was Bastille day the sequel!
Except for one problem – Some geezer called Steve rolled them over and they got the cumming treatment. Oh Le Humanity. It was right THERE!! Two fucked up corners later, a flying workhorse and it may have been a million miles away. While it locked in 12 months of dark depression for the French fries, it was the kind of finish that reminded a lot of us why we love this sport, as well as a lesson in never giving up until the line. Bonus points to Steve for nailing it home on Nelson Mandela day to complete the fairytale scenario.
4. The Quarterback vs the Nerd
We’ve all seen this movie… Thanks to Hollywood its the same script, with slightly different characters. And as I will protest, its been slowly conditioning our thinking over the last 20 years. To start with, we have the Quarterback. In this story, that would be Peter Sagan.
Let’s face it, he is one cool cunt – Takes the piss, zero fucks given about his hair, has a daily podium girl buffet and is loved by all:
He’s also been in the break day after day… Like a green jersey points version of Hannibal Lector. Machining that shit at will and then giving the coolest post stage press conferences (click here), where you can see him taking the piss out of Froome in the way we would expect a QB to do.
Getting in the break almost every day on tricky stages to hoover up points and then try for the stage win? That shit is super hard, not to mention coming 2nd 5 times. But you shall note, not a single whisper of possible doping or enhancements at all. No, not a single murmur… Just high fives, love, respect and a rush to the Oakley store to get the same glasses.
And then we have the role of the ‘Nerd‘… Skinnier than a marmot’s willy, rather awkward in interviews (or when the QB wants to mess with him) and a riding style that makes you want to vomit on the TV remote, which is a cunt as you probably want to change the channel instead of watching him having a spaz attack all over the top tube.
Froomie had a pretty good Stage 10, well, actually he annihilated them to be fair and padded out that yellow jersey lead nicely. And then holy shit! It was like the world had collapsed… The town of springfield came out and went for it…
Firstly there was the amnesiac old cunt crew: Jaja got in amongst it and Lance cast aspersions, which of course is a bit like George Bush ticking off Putin for invading anyone. Then the media jumped on board of course and then there was the ‘cup of warm French beer’ incident heading into Mende, Froome rightly pointed out it was piss, but lets face it, not a huge difference.
Worse than the cup of piss though was THAT sprint and bike throw at the end of the stage, I’m not sure why, but it actually made me mad, imagine that. I even spat out a “for fucks sake” at the TV (highly effective), have some class dude (yes, pot, kettle black etc), not only was the sprint unnecessary, but the sprinters bike throw? Just uncool when you’re finishing 10th on the stage and there was no time gap.
Is he doping? Fucked if anyone really knows or really will know. There are currently thousands of people anguishing over power data and much hand wringing going down, like if you wank on about that data long enough it will suddenly become clear, but who really knows or gives a fuck?
But my point is this – If he wasn’t so awkward, didn’t use emoji’s, looked slightly better in Oakleys and rode without moving his upper body and said fuck occasionally in interviews, I guarantee you that he wouldn’t be getting the shit he is now.
Please, violently disagree with me – But I maintain the wider cycling public (and/or people in general) are conditioned if not hardwired to attack the nerds on sight and overlook what the QB’s may do. Oh fuck, trust me, I’m not defending Sky at all (see below), but that basic principle underpinned the Cuntstrong years after all right? And let’s face it… That cat does NOT help the case at all:
As one PRO recently said of the tour:
“Its quite hard these days, if you win a mountain stage you’re a doping cunt… But then if you don’t or get dropped, you’re shit and out of form”
Apparently there are Froome supporters out there, no one has ever met one, but they do exist somewhere… Well gang, if you get the chance to have a quiet word, perhaps suggest that rather than releasing power data, which just seems to make everyone froth even more, just get him some cool cunt lessons with Sagan to dampen down that noise. Irrespective of what anyone thinks, no one riding the TDF, especially in the leaders jersey, deserves that kind of disrespect.
5. The Fuck U -CI award
Dave B is not a silly man… He sets goals and tends to achieve them. He’s also a fan of keeping shit palatial, which I can fully respect. So, when the UCI banned his
mobile cat palace motorhome concept for Froome, he wasn’t about to let that shit go to waste was he?
No shit house French hotel action for the B Man, he’s got that covered with the Team Sky pimp wagon. No word on why he’s smiling so lovingly at what appears to be a large chilly bin parked in the corner…
Poor Dave, its tough having to deal with all this intense media scrutiny and bagging about Froome and doping. The last thing you would want to do after complaining about it and defending yourself then is go and sign the most suspect cunt from the Giro then right?
Oh well… Guess the ceaseless allegations can’t be that bad after all Big D? Sleep well in the pimp wagon dude.
And finally, respect to the first hipster to ever win a Tour stage, my German twin brother science experiment, doing it right to with a proper victory scream… That beard… Fuck YES bro:
Only a few days to go now and apparently the Tour is all over, but I remember something similar before the stage where Sastre won it up Alpe d’Huez… Never say never…