Warning – Todays post is Adults Only, no nudity or violence (well, violent acts were committed on my legs), but excessively bad language. Sorry kids, you’ll need to get back to Grand Theft Auto 5 now.

I could just say “Blah Blah, I am fucked”, insert one pic and then collapse into the pile of shit I currently resemble and rode like today. But, that wouldn’t be nearly as amusing as me deliriously smashing my keyboard to bits with tales of cuntery flooding forth and into the DN feed.

Stage 1 today, the first big day on the road with 154km haul from Christchurch to Hanmer. No massive climbs today, but 3 stages that a strong A Grade field was going to climb into with more fever than Len Brown into a pink french maids uniform.

To start with though, there was the small matter of the 5 fuck me AM pick up to go to the race start. The only upside to this? You get Predator eyes:


Them eyes…

But, it wouldn’t be a race in NZ if there wasn’t coffee on standby. The local cafe doing well this morning as we waited for the race start… This was the last time we resembled ‘warm’ all day, note prodigious winter kit being arranged:


That’s right, make sweet love to those coffees boys, shit is about to get REAL

I need to probably elaborate on the format for 5 Passes… So, there is a lot of ‘Neutral’ stages. These are not timed, and you basically try and ride as slowly as possible and avoid being on the front (shut the fuck up those of you yelling ‘Sportive’ from the cheap seats). However, once we get into the ‘Open stages’, its ON like any normal A Grade race. To start with this morning, we had a 30km COLD neutral stage, the only thing that saved me from ending up in a ditch like a nomadic popsicle today? Rapha winter range:


I’m not fucking smiling – this is just the position my face froze in this morning

Fuck helmet stickers are sexy. Today’s theme was simple: Freezing. People from CHCH assured me that it wasn’t that bad, but my involuntary shaking said otherwise… At an average temp of 10 Degrees today, It certainly felt a lot colder than that in the morning, it was a ball shriveller for sure. I swear I was Han Solo at Echo base… Boys ready to go on the first Open stage:


Ready to roll an cause all sorts of problems in the Peloton

The first open stage was a lot sharper than even I expected it to be… Mainly as we had a strategy to send guys straight up the road, and we went at it like rats on viagra. Pete and Rueben hammering away time and time again, with me assisting in between. Nothing was getting away, until Power Pete smashed off the front in a huge solo move that wasn’t chased.

But, could he hold on to fulfil the plan of taking the first sprint point of the day?! Well, fuck yes he could! Despite the peloton getting semi organised for a chase, he managed to hang on just to take the points after an epic solo effort. Objective one achieved!

It was then time for a brief break, tea and muffin anyone?


The thousand yard stares are starting to form…

The next stage was a double header – KOM and Sprint Point 2. Given we were in gimpville on GC, the strategy switched this morning to go after KOM, Sprint points and Stage wins. As such, we had two chance in stage 2. Step forward the KOM squad! The boys were sent up the road to fight it out with the GC contenders and Neo PRO’s and while we didn’t get any points, Logan put in a great effort to get into the top 5. The pace though did send me a message that I was in the shit, having to chase back on twice and really struggling to do so… Hmmm, not good.

On to Sprint point 2 some 20kms down the road and it was time to work to get Power Pete another win here to pad his Green Jersey lead. We didn’t have our lead out machine working as well oiled as it should have been, which was further compounded by Mr Road Captain (me) making a rather fatal error… In my frozen and slightly rooted state I mistook the 500M to go flag for the Sprint point… And, like a total cock started Pete’s lead out rather early. Great lead out at the wrong time. Hot tip – If you drop your sprinter off with 400m to go, chances are he will get done quicker than a nerd at an Ultimate Fighting contest.

How to compound such cuntery? Well, as the peloton sped past me in my post miss timed lead out blown state, it occurred to me I was about to get dropped… and there it was… Smashed, dropped and 15kms to the stage finish. I was gone… the group down the road and my legs totally munted. OMFG, I could not believe it. I knew form was bad, but WTF? I chased for a few km’s, but to no avail. I was alone and broken. Then I could see them getting closer, so in one monumental effort I managed to painfully chase back on cramping as I went. I had to maintain a steady pace to not cramp, which then led to my next Road Captain error.

Not wanting another chase back on, I got on the front and started to work… With 2 of the boys helping out. Logic? Keep a steady fast pace up to stop attacks and set Pete for a stage win bid. Great work was done by the boys, but due to my miscalculation, we were about 2km’s out from where I thought we were. Result? A lot of burnt effort and shagged for the finish. Kudos to all the boys for working hard and Rueben and Pete for their finish.

Think that was bad? Well, after another 30km ‘neutral stage’ (thank fuck), we had a 6km long Team Time Trial, 4 man units to cover the last part to Hanmer. Rivet Racing 1 consists of me, Angus, GV and Ben. My job was to start and get us up to speed before we started 30 second turns. I lasted 800 metres.

Yip… As the boys came through I failed to grab the last wheel and then got sent an urgent command from the engine room that read something like this:

“We are empty – You are fucked and prepare for epic embarrassment, that Gel you provided us has been ignored”

Me getting dropped by my team also coincided with the hail starting to fall… Well, fall is being generous, it was coming in sideways due to the epic crosswind… mmmm… Frosty. I then got to enjoy every Team smash past me as I dribbled the 5km’s to the finish, calculating along the way how much I could get for selling both Evo’s. Luckily though the average temperature was only 6 degrees for this last 6km’s, awesome! One man that didn’t have such ridiculous problems today:


No coke for Ango, he just wants day 3

Dirty Nomad on the other hand (to be renamed ‘Reamed Nomad’) not only smashed a coke, but also a pinky bar and this motherfucker here, man, you know you’re home when you get one of these bad boys:


Get the fucking sausie into ya!

So, a good day for the team and for Big Pete, with lots of comments how we always had a guy up the road, so that was all good. For me? I am riding worse than when I was in Italy (and that was pretty bad FFS), so am a little worried about tomorrow’s 214km day. Seems I am not into cold weather that much either, so suspect I will face another eye gouging on that front tomorrow as well… Form don’t live here anymore. Note I also haven’t mentioned scenery, as I didn’t really get to see any today!

I am off to find my balls (and defrost them) and see if anyone has an emergency transfusion that I can borrow, Ryder, I feel you bro.

3 Responses

  1. David Gowty "the goat"

    Tough day in the office nomad. Lucky tomorrow is not today!!!!!


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