Ahhh… Yes, a topic that was bound to crop up as I navigate the desert of material and ride in slow circles around the cHub from one cafe to another: Coffee.

If you’re a mountain biker, coffee is something you drink when you’re trying to sleep with someone. However, for Roadies its a far more critical component, to the point of being an institution and for some, the only reason to actually ride.

Even uptight and self starved racers like a dose of Java, even if they would be loathe to admit it. The whole concept behind coffee is of course the spin that proceeds it. This ride has many names: Recovery ride, Easy Coffee Spin, the Friday coffee ride, but aside from its naming conventions they all usually suffer from the same problem: People are doing them wrong.

The anti-training session

The Como coffee spin – As close as it gets to a religious experience

The crimes against the coffee spin are as varied as the hideous kit being worn on them, I won’t waste time elaborating on the various forms of cuntery as we’d be here all day, no, instead I will focus on some of the fundamentals that will address the symptoms many people are suffering through as coffee rides are ruined globally. Sound the OCD trumpets, its rules time.

#1 – Start time is key

You can usually spot a cunt when they send a message that says:

Hey guys, coffee spin tomorrow, meet at 6am at fuckbag corner in mismatched kit and with underseat bags hanging down like our trampled ball sacs

Let’s be clear here – The fucking SUN must be up for it to be a coffee spin, this usually has something to do with Cafe’s actually being open. From time to time, if GC’s are involved, it may be permitted to start just slightly before sunrise, but its a rare situation.

Getting up early defeats the purpose of the coffee spin before you’ve even begun: Rest and Relaxation. That aside, who the fuck wants their bike lined up at the cafe with lights hanging off it? Heathen.

#2 – Spin motherfucker, do you speak it?

I’ve been on so called ‘Coffee spins’ with riders (#expats) who like to take the opportunity to brandish about their self proclaimed massive cocks, making sure to ride at threshold/42kph whilst gradually riding themselves into mediocrity. Totally cool if you like to wear 6 year old knicks with a 7 year old mismatched jersey from some odd event you went to.

However, if you like to do things properly, then it should be ideally small chain ring only, or a nice PRO looking 90 RPM light spin. Or, in Power Cunt speak, that’s ‘Zone 1’. To elaborate on that point, having a coffee before riding up the Mortirolo, NOT a coffee spin:

Make mine a double...

Just another Clarso coffee ride #doyoueventrainbro

The only thing more embarrassing than saying you agree with Cyclingtips readers comments is turning up at the cafe in a heaving sweaty mess with pangs of cramp from your “Recovery ride”. Chill that shit out.

#3 – All half wheelers must… fucking… Pay…

Let’s face it, the only time half wheeling is cool is when you’ve got a new person in the well established group and they’re struggling on the front, feeling that sweet taste of submission filling your palate, you do the necessary and increase the pace just enough to pop them like a generous saddle sore. Ahhhhh, beautiful dominance.

But, on a coffee spin the half wheeler has no currency, no legal tender and they are therefore a fucken bum, a bum who will quite rightly pay for all coffee’s once the last croissant pastry flake has been removed from someone’s Rapha issue beard.

#4 – Like much in life, length is important

We can get fairly granular here for those that like dildos data. Everyone is stimulated by differing lengths, but as a general rule of thumb no less than 25km’s and no more than 50km’s is the ball park you want to be batting in. If you like clocks, that tends to mean an hour to an hour and a half… Give or take.

Stopping for a second coffee is totally fine, but like a porn movie, anything past 2 hours and its severely diminishing returns. Less is absolutely more in this scenario.

#5 – It has to be artisanal as FUCK

The coffee location that is, not the ride. Yes, this is perhaps one of the most crucial aspects to the whole situation. Its perfectly acceptable to physically assault anyone in the group that has a mental seizure and suggests something like:

Hey guys, there’s a really handy Starbucks/Kith/Dome/Kosta’s/Any cunty franchise scenario not far from here, they have great outdoor seating and the Fuckmyfaceachino’s are delicious, so creamy

Once you’ve finished snapping the rear stays on their Avanti (points off BTW for letting that kind of bike on the ride to start with) with Chuck Norris type cycling shoe fly kicks and given them an apt extra dehydrated golden shower, its time to move on to the correct venue.

And what does this cafe look like? Some key aspects to look out for in establishing the appropriate coffee stop:

  • Horrendously overpriced coffee, even better if the cups are so small you can’t work out if you’ve actually had one or not, when in fact you’ve had 3
  • Staff need to be a cross between an Emo and a Hipster, the more ‘Ink’ the better… If you’re not getting met with a “Hey Brah” then you’re fucking it up. Based on how they run the place, it should also make no economic sense whatsoever that they’re still in business, even with a $7 latte
  • The menu will be essentially gluten free, dairy free, guilt free, soy free, vegan, antibiotics free, raw, non GMO, organic as fuck, fat free, fun free and not a carb in sight. This is why you’re just there for a coffee, thank fuck
  • Decor wise it should either be lathered in metal, wood and glass, or so fucking old and cunted that it may just be plausible to blame that STD on the retro furniture that you’re adding a layer of sweat/chamois cream to as you add to the aroma of the venue
  • The other patrons should be a mix of people in thick pin stripe suits, hobos and people wanking on about coffee but who really have no idea, the more wankers the better ideally. Bonus if patrons are in turtlenecks and/or thick rimmed glasses
  • Ideally the Barista should be called ‘Barnaby’ or ‘Ciara’ or another name where you can’t recall meeting anyone called that before. You’re onto the right place if you can’t determine their gender.

The general idea is that you spread yourself out in a relatively physically dominant fashion, because fuck, you’re basically PRO as a group and everyone needs to know about it. Blocking exits is ideal, thus allowing you to let incoming patrons know what the fuck is up as you Whatsapp each other, talk about making each other KOM on segments and which PRO roadies you think are on the juice.

Extra points if you can spend the entire coffee session looking like you’ve snorted half of Zurich up one nostril and not speak for 45 minutes, its a skill set.

x

“Bro… Er… you finished with that Monocle mag? I need to give my status anxiety a top up”

There is a whole other world and sub-culture around what sort of coffee you’re supposed to have, but I don’t really understand that shit, so won’t comment. I know technically you’re not supposed to have milk in your coffee or something Italian like that, but even though my nose is as Italian as fuck, I’m not buying into that shit… Yes, fucken chocolate sprinkles cunt.

#6 – Helmets off and caps on

Er… Just like it says really, so probably don’t need to elaborate on this rule, especially as you’re now at Coffee and not actually riding a bike. I mean seriously, this time honoured rule is pretty straightforward, so who the fuck would ever think to break it?

x

The distinct scent of awkwardness descends over the table and chokes the conversation when everyone realises the helmet was there for keeps

Oh… Yes, while I’m busy being disgusted, helmets on Bikes as well, not the fuuuucken table.

#7 – Its not a degustation situation

Croissant, cool. Small Friand, fine. One slice of toast, acceptable. Maybe a muffin if you’re pushed. But its not a buffet situation here. Whatever is ordered, don’t even think about a fucken foodgram, possibly the biggest infringement known to the cycling world since riding sockless.

I’m all for a poached egg after the number 100km’s appears on the Garmin, but not on the Fuck You Work Friday coffee spin. Like telling the truth when you’re in a break away group, keep it light.

x

Chris Horner looks on in 90% bewilderment and 10% disgust as Harvey starts his 3rd course

#8 – But wait, there’s more

Just when you thought it was safe to relax and enjoy a discussion about sock length and colour coordinating your Oakley’s to your helmet, there are a few more mines to navigate which can easily blow your coffee morning to pieces.

The use of your Smart phone is totally acceptable at coffee, especially if its to tease cunts who are at work that you’re in a cafe and the blonde Barista just licked her lips at you. Taking photos of your bikes lined up is also passable, just do it subtly.

But for fuuuuucks sake, coffee grams are utterly off limits. No one on Instagram needs to see a cup of coffee, they fucken know what one looks like. Also, while we’re on the topic, the popular #outsideisfree can go and get fucked – Outside is free? Really?

So how did you get to said outside point? Did you walk naked and barefoot there? Fuck no – It was via that $12,000 Carbon aero road bike, with a $4.50 gel in your stomach, washed down with $15 of Nuuns and clad in $700 worth of Rapha and Sidi gear… Tracked with your $800 Garmin and uploaded to your $69 Strava Premium account, all washed down with a $7 latte. Outside said “Get fucked as” to being free a looooong time ago, so, unless you’re a nudist who walked to the beach, consign that hashcuntery to the bin.

Italy coffee

#outsideisfree…. Aside from the SQ air fare to get to Italy… And that Lemon Gelato… And everything else in the pic…

Now that its super easy and straightforward, go forth and enjoy your relaxed coffee spins and rejoice in the knowledge you’ll now be able to do them correctly! Fuck marginal gains, this is revolutionary BS right here.

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