So, there’s a week to go in what has to be the most bizarre election the world has ever seen. I go to lengths here to not talk about politics, mainly as its as boring as asking someone who works in the Risk Department in a large corporate what they did on the weekend, aside from knitting that new jersey… “Looks swell Bob, your cross stitching is on point” But also because let’s face it, politics are about as far away from cycling as you can get and unless it relates to land access for rad trails, meh, who cares?

But today, I feel like I need to make an exception. I won’t dwell on how or why the U.S Election race ended up with a highly qualified candidate facing off against a delusional, crazed buffoon crossed with an Orangutang (I apologise to all Orangutang’s, I know how insulting that comparison is, but its a colour thing) who thinks he’s actually trying to win a reality TV show as opposed to running a highly influential country.

But, I’m not an American, so what the fuck has it got to do with me? Aside from the assault on and murder of common sense and the war that has been declared on basic concepts like ‘facts‘ and ‘the truth‘, there’s a reasonable reason why everyone should care about what happens in less than a week from now.

Who the fuck wants a lunatic with the temperament and vocabulary of a delinquent 8 year old, who also happens to do a bit of sexual assaulting on the side for shits and giggles, in charge of not only the worlds most powerful military, but also the most destructive and accurate Nuclear arsenal on the planet? One which in an emergency or perceived attack, he has the sole authority to command and use.

Imagine a year from now, President Pussygrabber has surrounded himself with sycophantic clones, Military personal included, who only align to his/Russia’s perspective. He’s also been engaging in a Twitter war with Lil Kim from North Korea, again losing the plot over the constant reference to hand size (actually a real thing). Unfortunately, this goes a bit sideways when another North Korean long range missile test is mistaken for the real deal… #fartnoise

Panicking, but actually driven by a strong penchant for payback and a stiffy for nukes, President Pussygrabber gets confused between trying to fingerbang Katrina Pierson #crazyasfuck and replying to a Tweet and, goaded on by sycophantic Generals, instead hits the button to ram a couple of Trident D5 ICBM nukes up Lil Kim’s ass. The Chinese rightly think these are coming for them after 12 months of constant threatening on Trump News Network and reality TV like rhetoric designed to make banjo playing motherfuckers feel like they are ‘great again’ (Hot tip cunts – You never were)… File under ‘unintended consequences’

x

Probably not the best thing to put in the tiny hands of someone with a cock inferiority complex

Under the classic Nuke concept of ‘Use em or lose em‘, the PRC decide to start flinging nukes back, not to mention finally grab Taiwan at the same time (Adios SRAM factories and pretty much all bike production!), and next thing you know it, it’s escalating beyond the point of any control, if you can even have control in the first place with tiny fingers and such epic delusions of ones own intelligence. I haven’t even mentioned Russia yet, but they’ll be thinking “WTF is our puppet doing, you said he would just be like one of those muppets! Nuke that orange cunt before he gets us

Can’t happen you say? That’s what they said about Brexit… Yay for voting regret!

So at this point, aside from being mildly depressed or questioning if I have lost the plot, you’re possibly looking for the vague connection to cycling. Allow me to draw the line, as this is the thing I have been most concerned with as the prospect of the end of the world looms bigly:

How do I keep being full ENDURO?

This is a real issue… Sure, climate change probably slightly higher in the pecking order, but that will be solved by a sweet nuclear winter. We need to take a step back from this political madness and have a good long thing about how we can continue to keep the rad shredding going when it all goes to shit under President Cunthead and mushroom clouds are popping up like, well, mushrooms.

My main concern is the continuation of supply of Santa Cruz frames for the next 20-30 years, being optimistic about fall-out patterns of course. A Dirty tip for North American readers, if you see this man running down the street like this, its time to panic like fuck:

#daswolf just casually dragging a @santacruzbicycles frame around town for a few beers. Business as usual for an addict. Solo pub crawl sponsored by #herrdoktor #dnglobalcollective #hewontletgo #manbag #hairywolfbox #doyouevenbuybikesbro

Das Wolf: “I never thought I would say this, but fuck I wish I had more hands”

A raid on the nearest Santa Cruz shop to mop up all the frames would be central to the early days of armageddon. Don’t concern yourself with sizing, that can be dealt with by stem length or, as much as I hate to say it, spacers. You don’t want to be the only cannibal in the desert of a nuclear wasteland without a Bronson or Hightower do you? Thank fuck the bearings have a lifetime warranty.

Next up its time to start thinking about prioritising, this is where it gets a bit harder. While you send what’s left of your extended family out to get water and hunt for food, its critical you spend your time securing key ENDURO ‘consumables’ mainly I’m talking about:

Tires – Let’s face it, the cunts are not only getting more expensive, but lasting only a few months. Not that we complain as we love the sweet soft compound hero grip, but given its the end of days and things may be drying out a bit, you’ll be going through a few tires during the ENDUROpocalypse. Grab any tires you can get your radiation poisoned skin peeling hands on… Except Specialized, as we have seen this year its pretty much been the end of days already for Grubby on the tire front. Or E13…

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Might give the E13 tread a miss when the 4 Horsemen come knocking

Drivetrain – Chains have to be the priority here, cunts stretch and break obviously, but also wouldn’t hurt to have a decent number of cassettes and chain rings. Important to bear in mind that there won’t be any new standards or changes to drive trains coming out given all innovation has been vaporised in a nuclear hell, so you’re safe to commit to one type of drive train. Yay, silver linings!

Reverb owners – Sorry, we’re all fucked… Better grab a Thomson seat post and a quick release collar. Old skool droppa YO!

The painful shit – Brake pads, bearings, fork seals… I’ll be ok as I have a coil shock, but for those of you out there on air rear shocks, better get used to low riding once those things give out. In this category I was also worried about chain lube, but as our chief science officer Herr Doktor pointed out, once the post apocalyptic war starts with Nuclear Mutant Zombies, their blood will provide a constant supply. Phew, relief! Pass me the Plasma rifle, Ah, 40 watt range thanks.

“No mountain biking eh you weak armed cockhead, I’m going to take you down the death drop then dead lift your corpse for an extra work out”

“Ehhhh, I said aim for the head cunt – They’re mutants for fucks sake”

I’m still waiting for the Dok to confirm what we’ll be using as Chamois cream and Gels, but its making me slightly nervous. We’re all going to have to think on our feet here obviously, assuming you still have some.

It gets worse of course, Chain Reaction Cycles will either be gone, or the absence of air freight will make things decidedly tricky… Not to mention the internet being vaporised. How the fuck are we going to be able to spend time on forums populated by people who don’t really ride telling us how good a shit product is? Or what width chain line we need? Or reinforce to us the cuntery of Plus size?

Aside from the acid rain, zombie mutants, nuclear winter and having to eat road kill, the biggest riding downers will probably be:

  • Shorter EWS season – Europe will either be vaporised or speaking Russian, so can’t see too many rounds here, EWS East Timor should be ok though
  • Shuttling – Those sweet Merc vans we love to shuttle in will either be out of gas or fried from the EMP blasts, which is cunty as it means back to full climbing mode for running laps. Best reason ever to move to Christchurch now and take advantage of the new Bike park
  • Riding in trees – Which is rad, but I suspect trees will fuck off and die once that acid rain settles in and the eco-system generally goes to shit. Better stock up on sun screen while we’re at it, at least until the Nuclear winter kicks in
  • No more Strava – Holy FUCK! Will there actually be any point in even riding? I mean, if you go for a ride and its not uploaded, has it even happened? Motherfucker I am with HER all of a sudden in a massive way #saveourridedata

Its not all bad though! There are some upsides to President Fuckbag kicking off global nuclear annihilation: No more annual hub standard changes, rides will be more efficient as you won’t have to stop constantly to get Insta-Bangers, everyone will be wearing full face helmets/gas masks so we’ll fit right in, no more work so there’s more time for shredding! But BEST of all – No more eBikes (Fried by EMP) or Specialized marketing material! Suddenly on reflection turning those missile keys doesn’t seem so bad…

You can laugh if you like, or you can make yourself useful by helping me dig out another room in the Dirty bunker, we still need to make space for a Santa Cruz Tallboy 3 for fucks sake. I shall leave any American readers/haters with the following thought to help you wash the concept of ‘False Equivalency’ from your minds before 8th of November (or, as the Donald said, the 28th November):

Sexual assault-boasting, Mexican and Muslim insulting, anti-black discriminating, bankrupted, tax dodging, nuke promoting, Putin loving, lying 75% of the time…

vs.

e-mails

Come on cunts, don’t fuck it up…

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