Monday is back again… How is everyone feeling about that? Massive rides on hold for another 5 days and you’re probably currently facing inane talk about your weekend with someone who more than likely had an awesome time reading the paper for two days…

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Word

Gone a bit Italian on the title today, well, as much as Google Translate would allow us, because of course, how fuuuuucken good is this Giro?! I’m still trying to work out why I’m not there watching it, aside from the fact I’ve gone FULL ENDURO, but given its the last Grand Tour I’m yet to see in person, I’m going to have to nail it in the next few years. First week done and already there have been some epic stages and efforts. And of course, there has been all sorts of carnage.

Squirm alert – Scroll fast if you are squeamish, but lets face it, most people want to see, even if you think you don’t want to see it. And yes, you just know the photographer that did THIS to Daniele Colli is an automatic entry into the 2015 COTY Awards! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa:

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“Well, at least I’m not in the Philippines I guess”

Full credit to him though, made sure the Doc sorted things correctly so he could send a message to every fucker out there with a long lens, selfie stick or a penchant to get to close to the riders, heed it!

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Keeping up Media relations

Or perhaps that bird was meant for Astana? They seem to be the ones giving the finger though, to the UCI… I’m not sure what’s Kazakh for “Thanks for not suspending our licence cunts, the juice bar is going to be open at the Giro, in fact we’ll stick 9 guys on the front like a drone army and burn the whole thing to the ground, chase down any poor clean fucker up the road and finger him, then get back to the team bus, dish 5’s and then have a piss/wank in the team bus urinal which may possibly have Mr Cookson’s photo placed inside it“, but I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re getting at.

Its certainly making everyone frown, even those being drowned in podium girls…

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“Ja, I even don’t like zat shade of blue!”

Its not just the Giro going down though, in PRO road fever overload, the California holiday camp Tour of California has been keeping morning’s entertaining, yes, still awkwardly sponsored by the company that makes EPO, which is more than a little odd and I suspect if Sagan and Cav weren’t there, viewing numbers would be, low, shall we say? Not many of us can pull a decent wheelie on a road bike, so how about doing one after a full PRO sprint to win the stage? Skillsets…

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Eat me Oleg

Massive spoiler here, but I’m sure that not many people would have had money on Sagan winning the overall general classification this morning! Holy fuck, it means that its either 1/100 as hard as the Giro, or he was just spewing like fuck about his boss talking about cutting his pay in the media this week. Either way, to win a tour by taking third on the last stage to get the 4 second time bonus and win overall by 2 seconds its HARD OUT eh… Especially when you take that third by, well, a tire width?

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Podium girls please assemble at the Tinkoff bus… Party kicking off ASAP

The other revelation was that the United Healthcare team unexpectedly went up significantly in our estimation, 7 C-Bombs in 30 seconds is almost meeting the minimum entry requirements for joining the DN Global Collective, so well done done lads! And respect to the Pate for the excellent reply:

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Feedback is the breakfast of champions apparently

Achtung! Keeping it Global, we’ve had our first reports come in of Dirty kit surfacing on the roads of Germany. Jez sent this in to us, which does little to validate that it actually is Germany, but the gloves do lend weight to the case.

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Missed the waxing appointment again…

Its not all PRO Road fever today… The Big S unveiled the 2016 Stumpjumper over the weekend and it was difficult to not press the tongue hard into the cheek. Now, before you start, no, I’m not a Big S hater, I believe everyone growing up Dirty should at some stage ride a Stumpjumper as a weird rite of passage (did my stint in 1996 FYI) and I LOVE my Carbon Demo thanks to the Swedish connection, but really guys?

Big S

So, first of all, there’s the small matter that they’ve come up with two things we didn’t know we didn’t need:

  1. The SWAT Cradle and SWAT door? I assume a collaboration with Ikea to appeal to those that have an OCD for storage, but with that name it sounds ideal if you need to do some riding in Baltimore. But seriously, is that thing gagging to turn into a total cunt in any real conditions outside of bone dry areas where the designers live? The SWAT cradle is really just waiting to become a SWAT onboard swimming pool in wet conditions and if you quietly see this feature disappear, one may suspect it would be connected to structural integrity issues? Yup, I’m NOT an engineer, but I will watch with interest
  2. 6Fattie – Oh… Fuck… Me… As we all know, Fat bikes outside of snow are cuntwagons, but it seems someone has decided to now allow them to breed and proliferate outside of their current realm of fuckwittery.  So now we have a 650b bike pretending to be a fat bike? Or is it the other way around? Actually, who gives even half a fuck, as its just horrendous. I assume designed by and for people that like to go out and remove rocks and logs from trail to give them more of that ‘bike path’ feel, this is the latest round of dumbing shit down attempting to invade the MTB world.

Segway? Yes please… The best part of all this was the marketing bullet points there that define for you which bike to ride. So wait, I now need to have a different bike to choose between Control, Nimble and speed?

I’m such a dumbass, here’s me thinking they were all essential parts of mastering how you ride a Mountain Bike, no wonder I’m so inconsistent sometimes! Turns out you actually need 3 different bikes! Today feels like a ‘Speed’ day, had better turn off any form of common sense and select the 29er. Finally I can choose which element I need to stick to.

Or, just don’t be a cunt and buy a Santa Cruz Nomad!

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Fuck it… Just buy 2

I’m off to work out if my tool is too big to ram into the TWAT SWAT Box.

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