Never fear, the R.I.M is here – WHOOP, the one time of the week to look forward to has rocked up like that dick in the office, ‘Tod’, you know, the one who talks too much and tells you shit about their weekend that you actually give zero fucks about… Thus forcing you to smile and say things like “Ha, wow, what a classic huh?” as they detail their latest Gerbil taxidermy project and you mutter ‘cunt’ under your breath.
So then before they can actually arrive at your desk to fuck up your day, assume the happy baby pose and lets getting RIMing. If that doesn’t mean anything to you, allow me to elaborate:
First up, the good news that we’ve all been feverishly waiting for – Drop that Ikea bag, don’t worry about getting a bigger house you don’t want (but can’t face telling your partner) and tell that Lexus salesman to blow you – Science has had a massive breakthrough last week with the greatest discovery since Lemon Lime Gels:
I’ve only included the section that my concentration span managed to get through, but with a headline like that, a name dropped university and some Doctor dude backing it up, it’s clearly as legit as fuck. I assume that if I had read the rest of the article they actually mean its ok as long as you’re accompanied with a bike case in order to access rad shredding or climb famous Cols.
Our own Dirty Science officer is still working through it, but we expect his endorsement some time this week once he validates the above work and irons out a couple of kinks that are bugging him:
Lick my Segway, as that leads us beautifully to the next BIG news of the week, in fact, this was the only thing that I think I have found useful in with Twitter feed in the last 12 months – The ENDURO World Series has unleashed it’s 2016 calendar on us and its resulted in so much rejoicing I’m tempted to put a Gnar coloured filter on my Fuckbook profile… If I had one, which thankfully for everyone I don’t.
This year isn’t even in the bag and I’m already frothing about some of the locations for 2016… Kudos to the EWS folks for nailing it once again and as per usual, staying clear of weird shitholes and instead hitting places that you would actually love to check out:
Faster than you can unconvincingly stammer out “Someone at work set up that Ashley Madison profile as a joke babe“, I have already zoned in on the obvious MUST DO’s in the above list… In case you need a clue, get some Patagonia right up in YO grill:
If you don’t want to hit South America in March/April, then the two rounds to lock in fo sho are Round 4 in La Thuile and Round 7 in Valberg. They’re both awesome locations and will be massive rounds, so block out those calendars now and get planning! Its going to be huge.
Whilst we could probably RIM ourselves into a stupor with going FULL ENDURO, it would be criminally remiss of me to ignore the fact we are smack bang in the middle of the final Grand Tour of the year. And once again its been tumultuous at the Vuelta.
Speaking of getting a smack, after those cunty smurfs decided it was cool to cheat again, but in a slight different format, the internet did what it does best and unleashed some excellent photo shop piss taking. This one an absolute personal favourite:
After nibbles being booted last week, Sticky Bottle Smurf and his homeboys weren’t about to take that shit lying down. Fuck that, the boys got together and with their T Rex arms the 9 of them had the last laugh on that Comisario, showed that cunt didn’t they? That’ll teach the Race steward from enforcing the rules and calling out epic cheating:
As for Nibbles himself, its been a tough time… Never mind being out of form, now fingered for his Worlds build up, he’s had to deal with something much more distressing – Cancelling his Twitter account due to all the haters (he’s kept his DN subscription in place of course). That’s right, Coco the cat sent him so much tweet abuse that Nibbers decided to go off the grid.
Come on everyone, live and let live, he’s just a Sicilian boy led astray by the most dubious Olympic champion in the history of the sport. The pressure of a €4 million salary and being an Oakley model are punishment enough…
Speaking of shit being nicked, after spending the afternoon sitting in the village square polishing off several jugs of Sangria and tanning your machismo chassis, its quite hard to resist trying to steal a Cannondale Evo from its crashed owner as some bike race flies past. To be noted they didn’t go for the BMC… But Dirty Sanchez (pictured sans top here) and his sidekick Juan (rocking the 1998 Dirty Dog sunnies) did manage to make off with the Garmin off this bike, not so ironic really, they probably just worked out there would be plenty more where those came from:
In amongst all the shenanigans though was a rather noteworthy landmark, assuming I have this right… The first Grand Tour where disc brakes on a road bike have been used! Early Adopters rejoice, as this is a pretty big step forward in the glacial slow world of road bike technology.
I’d argue its a step backwards aesthetically, but in true industry fashion road discs are on the march and this was an important battle for them to win. Now they’ve been in a grand tour, it can fully validate all the golf refugees rushing out to get in the game on discs:
But all that action pales in comparison to Saturday’s stage… Yes, the Vuelta the latest victim of the Mombie Apocalypse, with yet another #dumbcunt on a motor bike taking out a rider. Another one?! What is UP this year with Moto’s or support vehicles hitting riders? Is there some sort of underground Fight Club for Moto riders that we don’t know about? Some sort of perverse points system?
But before you even have the chance to organise a highly justified lynch mob, the shock that they somehow managed to take out the coolest motherfucker in the race will probably leave you paralysed. In true RIM fashion, Sagan managed to end up in a position where the view was all too common to PRO tour podium girls:
What’s worse than the raddest dude in the Peloton being taken out by ANOTHER Shimano neutral support vehicle? The fact when he justifiably lost his shit (let’s face it, he would have fucking had those no names that contested the sprint right), HE was the one that coped a 300 Swiss Franc fine.
WTAF? Everything that received a kick from the cycling equivalent of Vincent Vega absolutely deserved it (well, maybe not the medical car, but throw it in the pot given we’re being as biased as fuck here), but wait, if that doesn’t piss you off, consider that Nibbles was fined 200 Francs for epic cheating and you can start to see why perhaps a little more cleaning house is needed at the UCI. In case anyone needs this in bullet points, this may help:
- Cheat like a fuck head blatantly on TV – 200 franc fine
- Get angry after being run over by a support moto and robbed of a certain stage win – 300 franc fine
Makes perfect sense, another win from the Unreasonable Cunts Internationale. Can’t blame Sagan for a second that he’s decided to pack up and fuck off to prepare for Worlds, we can only hope he pulls on the World Champs jersey later this month, that would be excellent shit.
Also on the way home from Spain, TeeJay Van Gardening leave, going 0-2 in Grand Tours this year and confirming what pretty much anyone who watches cycling already knows: He’ll be on Bidon detail for Richie Porte next year… “I said and a gel as well TJ… Go back to the car again…”
Moving on from Madness to Radness, I frothed a fair amount last Monday about the World Cup DH finals, but even that can’t compare to how cool this video is of the Syndicate, Hashtag Not a Trade Team, at Val Di Sole. Ignoring the fact this is an excellent edit, just how cool are these dudes? The Syndicate and Sagan at a BBQ would be a decent guest list for a loose night:
On the topic of Santa Cruz general awesomeness, you may have gathered that I’m more than a bit partial to a good road trip. Pack up all your shit, get the bikes mint, work out where you’re going, take a few pics and montage the fuck out of it to put it up on some narcissistic social meddling platform… All good shit.
But wait… Hang on… What happens when your pic happens to include what appear to be final prototypes of updated Santa Cruz models?! This pic melted a very small portion of the internet during the week, as keyboard warriors had to choose between kit jizz clean up or jumping on-line to speculate violently on what-the-actual-fuck-OMG-this-is-more-exciting-than-having-a-wank-to-the-bachelorette about what these two white bikes are:
Yes, its so exciting you want to bite your hand off and marvel at the epic mess that ensues – Especially as SC tend to only roll out the white final pre-pod bikes seen in these pics when they’re only a few strokes away from another sweet release.
Is it a new Bronson? An updated Solo? Finally a replacement for the outdated Tallboy LT?! Set froth factor to high and keep the breath bated, whatever they are they’ll be coming to a Dirty Nomad update soon underneath Das Wolf… Our Dirty Head of Procurement is on the case.
Finally today, as if I didn’t have enough respect for the Welsh already given their ability to churn out assassins, it turns out that they really know how to put a good sale on as well. I’m too impressed to work out if this is a massive disco for cunts, or if cunts get 20% off… Either way, this raises the bar and sets a new standard for living in a world where spell check is ubiquitous:
Have a Dirty week and don’t forget, MTB World Champs coming up this weekend, so don’t make any social plans, update your internet account to mega fucking rad and get ready to settle in for some massive racing action from Andorra!