Not a normal Monday this one… We’re on the countdown to something big that will keep the RIM at bay for a little while, so enjoy this one as its going on lock down. Watch this space!

I made the premature call last week that the Vuelta, which felt like it was going on forever, was dead and buried. Well, just like that mid arvo shag in the lockable meeting room at work, I ended up with that sticky feeling afterwards when it suddenly kicked into life like it had taken a rest day blood bag… Funnily enough…

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“Hey bro, do your Borat impersonation again at the finish”

From a fairytale finish on the cards with Dumoulin, who was on the absolutely outer cusp of an awesome win, it ultimately crashed to the depths of fuckwittery with Aru and Astana taking it out. Let’s face it, its pretty hard to round up enough people to even play a game of Snooker who wanted Aru to win. Watching an uncool drone copy of Nibali arrive in Madrid in the Red jersey left me with that dog shit paella taste in my mouth.

Whilst we don’t want to ponder too much on rest day antics, he did finish those last 5 stages strongly… And in doing so the Sardinian sausage dog robbed us of what we wanted the most: To see a massive tall guy who was an outsider to take it out. Lets face it, a Tom D win would have had it all: First Dutch guy to win a Grand Tour in like 500 years, a smoke and a pancake, part of the new guard, a genuinely unlikely contender and a return of the Big Mig style.

Ignoring the fact he was on a Giant, the way Dumoulin battled for two weeks, took a stage win that was unexpected and then lived up to the hype by delivering a fisting in the TT had everyone pumped to see him hold on to the end and he almost managed it. The Fairytale to Nightmare scenario coming to pass at the end of the last major test of 3 weeks and thus leaving a lot of us feeling more than just a bit Ho fucking Hum about the Grand Tour Winners class of 2015.

But it wasn’t just the Vuelta that saw some high drama over the weekend. The Tour of Hokkaido flirted around typhoon’s and also signalled the culmination of the Hawk’s season. More than ready to climax, the Hawk was all business as he lined up impersonating a futuristic cycling terminator:

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PRO as fuck, booties are basically spray on

The classic TT/Road stage/Crit format meant that the GC would be super tight, which suited the Hawk perfectly as he’s got a PhD in tightness and he knew the gaps would be small, his speciality:

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“I like gaps”

With the TT and Road stages in the bag, one Hawk/Man stood supreme and in Yellow with one stage to go. But that wasn’t all, he had a ball tingling 1 second overall lead on GC! Like a mini Dumoulin, except on a fashionable bike… And half the size… And not Dutch… And with a better cap… And a tighter midriff… So, nothing like the D man then:

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DN Cap and Midriff: a combo that results in people not wanting to let go of your wrists…

However, the only comparison was how the final hurdle ended. In a torrid crit battle, where it resembled people trying to hug each other and stab one another at the same time, all inside a telephone box, the Hawk had to settle for second place in the wash up, a mere 1 second down. Gaaaaaa x Billion, mad respect to the Hawk for a great result and getting amongst a vicious battle until the end. I feel for his indoor trainer which will now take more pounding than Asa Akira over the winter as he looks to get back those 2 seconds in 2016. Two weekends in a row of huge results for the #DNglobalcollective – Ballers.

Moving away from weight loss and ass bleaching for this week, its on to news that really, and fuck do I mean really puts the Want vs Need battle to the test. I alluded to this last week, but Santa Cruz have finally unleashed the new Solo and Bronson bikes, with redesigned Geometry, better that, better this, blah blah… The most important parts are how well they apparently ride (best reviews here and here) and how fantastic they look… That Kalimotxo Bronson (a really cool way of saying Pink) and Blue Solo are both massively geargasmic to say the least:

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Going to need a bigger garage… Is that DN Blue there?!

Making the fever worse? Well, only the coolest launch video you’ve ever seen possibly… Its so rad there’s a 98% chance your brain won’t even register it as Marketing, lets face it, you have to market yourself to these bikes, not the other way around:

Speaking of cool videos – how about I settle into making this RIM lazy and zip lining across to the excellent edit of the Santa Cruz Syndicate (no Dutch dollars contributed to the construction of this post) from the World Champs… Yes its long, but so is Monday, so curl up and get involved in the coolness:

Speaking of the World Champs – Had to throw this one in… Yes, its a great view of the World’s DH course, but the real reason everyone wants to watch this is at around the 2.30 mark is when Gee is sent out the front gate in a massive stack. The thing about this one is that it absolutely lives up to the “It happened so fast” cliche… No question its a BIG hit:

Speaking of Gee Atherton – I don’t want to turn this into a Gee Atherton benefit, but he did manage some quality POV action on the Red Bull hardline course, which went down over the weekend. He’s not short on balls, so you know that when he’s under the pump on jumps or just giving some a miss in general that they’re clearly fuuuuuucking scary:

Speaking of going down insane shit – This is perhaps one of the more random things you’ll see this week… Just remember the old adage as you watch this one: “Its always steeper than it looks on camera

And I’m done with the lazy video RIM action… Time to start writing that Mission Briefing…

But finally today a community services announcement, as we hope someone out there can help us in this desperate time of need. We recently ran a piece on the plight of a gear addict, who was trying to get his life back on track.

Mr Canus Lupus was on the path to recovery, but no one could be prepared for the recent announcement of so many new models of Santa Cruz bikes, not to mention spec changes that means new rear wheels are needed, dropper post specs have changed and for the love of Joe, those new colours are insane. Its enough to send even the most frugal of us into a writhing mess of credit card and chain oil frothing. Its all too much for Mr Lupus, who has fled into the wild clutching an AMEX Black card.

Please, if you see him report it immediately – Do not corner him in Reevolution cycles or any store that stocks Enve, as he may become startled and purchase his way out. He was last seen dragging an SC Box around town mumbling something about a new Bronson and 148 Boost being a cunt, so notify us immediately if you see him:

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“My Precious…”

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