One of the many challenges that one faces when deciding to go FULL ENDURO is the slight matter of actually getting into a race. “WTF?” I hear you mumble, but before you judge, this isn’t some ‘all you can enter’ XC Nerdfest or ‘so big its fucking dangerous’ road racing peloton. No, this is ENDURO baby, so things are kept tighter than a frog’s pussy. Here are just two recent examples of brutal ENDURO rejection:

  1. NZ Enduro – 120 spots, sold out in 2 mofo minutes… No, not a figure of speech, actually sold out in 2 minutes on-line. Well, 1 minute and 50 seconds to be pedantic about it.
  2. DODZY Memorial Enduro – 150 spots, sold out in 1.2 minutes… Again, no bullshit. Not surprising given he was a legend and the race is dedicated to him by riding on mythical trails in Nelson that are apparently some of the best on the planet, so as you’d expect, interest is feral.

Given I was a bed ridden gimp, I did actually attempt to enter the Dodzy memorial, but must have arrived on the scene at 1.3 minutes past the GO, as I was promptly rejected faster than trying to get a cheeky hug of a blonde boss. How the fuck can I go FULL ENDURO if I can’t actually get into any events?

Ignoring the horrible flashbacks to being a large handed 13 year old at blue light discos, I sat back and surveyed the landscape to plot my next move… I was still waiting to hear back from Mr Roskopp about sponsoring me full time in the EWS for 2015, so there was only one possible option to have a crack at. However, this wasn’t just any race. No, this makes Moby fucking Dick look like a tadpole, both in terms of getting in, and then the even more daunting task of completing it. Yup, you know it:

The Mavic Trans Provence Race

As you know, I am addicted to not only being in France, but also raving on about this race, which I have done on a regular basis ever since having the best week ever there with Herr Doktor and Das Wolf last year, doing the Tour mind you, not the actual Race. When this is the regular daily view, how can you not have multiple Endurogasims?

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The daily grind

Ha ha ha… Start laughing at me NOW! Yes, after being rejected by the waitress, I was essentially attempting to get some action with Kate Upton or Scarlett J (simply trying to translate it into relative terms for the non-cyclists), yes, without hacking anyones cloud either, fully legit… When you think about it, the odds are even worse:

  • 80 spots available WORLDWIDE
  • 15 spots reserved for PRO’s (AKA – fish in the enduro barrel for stalking)
  • 65 spots for those of us that #wantitsobadtobepro
  • Thousands of people applying worldwide

Yes, looking at it objectively even Charlie would stand back, laugh and say “Cunt, I have more chance getting one of those fucken chocolate factory tickets than you do of getting into that thing“. Thanks kid, but not one to ever take rejection and keep my hands to myself, I donned my new ENDURO glasses and got busy applying to see if my destiny would lead to France in June and the greatest experience ever (biking wise), lets do this:

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Buckle up gDad – We’ve got some epic perving to do…

I started early… Drafting, re-drafting, trying desperately to stick to the word limits on the application form, as the Panther says; “Fuck you love words!“, so this wasn’t easy… Agonising, taking the piss out of myself for even bothering… After all, this thing is EPIC and I am currently only a gimp on the epic scale, but its 9 months or so away and everyone needs a goal right, so keep calm and nail that application form. I had one slim chance, if you look at this line on their website:

“10 places for application forms which we regard as being the best filled out”

In my mind, this is how I saw this bullet point:

"You've got 10 minutes to make me giggle Nomad, then you can slide straight to 3rd base..."

“You’ve got 10 minutes to make me giggle Nomad, then you can slide straight to 3rd base…”

Challenge ACCEPTED. I won’t say how many drafts I did and I also won’t say if I set my alarm to midnight CET to submit, but I did take the approach that Victory Loves Preparation. So, I submitted and I waited… And waited. In the end, I think like little Charlie the shoplifting kid, I just consigned myself to the notion that I was being silly I would ever get a chance to get into the big leagues.

Then, the day finally came… I woke up and vaguely knew e mails were coming out. Given how shit Apple mail is, at first my iPhone told me to fuck off, but after a few rabid and rageful thumb slashes, my box finally filled up… oh yeah… and there it was… Slow to populate, what the fuck was it going to say?!! I have to admit, as I wiped the sleep from my eyes and then tried to scratch my balls with my one good arm, the opening paragraph was a bit of a downer for some reason:

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Go on… Get it over and done with already…

Yeah… I know… I get it… I bet all the famous people slotted in right… My brain then detected something else, at first my eyes deceived…

What was that underlined wording?! What did that say? Was I even fucking reading this right or was I actually in the middle of an ENDURO wet dream?! GAAAAAAAAAAAA:

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You’ll have to wait Scarlett, I have a French date…

UNREAL… Well, yes, its actually real, but you fucking bet I had to re-read it several times to make sure that it actually was… Once I had, I did the next thing anyone would do, send it to your homeboys so they could abuse you appropriately, lucky for me I have just the units for the job:

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I knew the lads would come through with appropriate feedback…

Which brings me to the only downside of the whole thing really, yes, I am IN to the Mavic Trans Provence 2015 Race and now I have to not only go through rehab, but also the MEGA preparation which TP will demand, but I don’t get to do it with these two mofos, which feels a bit wrong. The usual suspects seen here at the end of day on of TP, the tour variety (the campaign now begins to get them to a EURO ENDURO camp pre-TP):

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Dok attempts to sell me on the Bell Super Helmet for the 22nd time that day and Wolf attempts to acquire my final Ems bar

So, there we have it – I have somehow managed to get myself into the dream race, ironically when I am currently in full Gimp mode. Talk about motivation to get rehab happening ASAP! I need to get unbroken and back on any sort of bike stat, not to mention into the MF gym. I am currently STOKED beyond belief, but also mildly shitting… Its like winning MTB Lotto, I just now have to get in a position to do it justice. For the PRO’s on the event, I will send you a template for a restraining order shortly, not to mention tent padlocks.

As you’d expect, this is going to be THE main goal for 2015 and of course, will require a lot of ENDUROesque trips to appropriate locations under the guise of ‘Training camps’ to prepare for the June 20th departure in France. Watch this space, I’m going to have to call on some of our most illustrious Dirty Characters (you know who you are…) to help with the Mother of all build ups. Eat your fucking chocolate out Willie Wanker, Viva Le ENDURO!

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