YO! Popping out of a bowl of haze and confronting you with what may perhaps be an unexpected Dirty Mission! Yes, the weeks of me trying to string out the void of being stuck in the cHub with videos and RIMming sessions are over and its time to get into an argument with Airline check in staff on the way back to… Europe.

Oh fuck yeah… Its the EuroEnduro sequel. Woah, hold up – A sequel? Isn’t that dangerous territory? Hands up if you felt a bit bored hanging out with Yoda so much in Empire Strikes Back? Or missed Nakatomi Plaza and Agent Johnsons (no relation) as you sat through the airport of Dir Hard 2? Or perhaps you suffered through Mission Impossible 2? Don’t mention that Matrix follow up either… Lets face it – Unless your surname is ‘Bourne’, sequels are dangerous territory. So what has driven me down this risky path of heading back to give more money to Europcar?

The concept for this mission was birthed during the painful post TP fog of war that hung over me upon returning to the ‘real world’. For those of you that know what I’m talking about, this best illustrates the feeling you get from being back from insane adventure and thrust into a drone-fest of people who are programmed to zombie their way through life and feel that yes, a 60 page CuntPoint presentation is important and absolutely needs to be read word for word:

I just want some hand made Gluten free cereal that has a feijoa & raspberry mix, why does this feel so hard...

“None of these seem to be MonTon flavoured… Or filled with Gnar… Or have an aroma of radness to them”

After spending a solid 2 hours trying to assimilate back into society, which felt like a lifetime given I have the attention span of a rat with ADHD, there was only one conclusion that I came to in amongst dodging fuckbags who have no concept of lift/Bus/MRT entry/exit etiquette:

“I need to go back”

But go back to what? And how? And where? And when? And why so many rhetorical questions? With most of the #DNglobalcollective preoccupied with moving, having babies or getting ambushed by life, the only beacon of radness on the horizon was the ENDURO World Series.

Post TP I sat on the virtual sidelines being slapped across the face by Instagram, Twitter and Pinkbike/Vital MTB as 3 rounds of the EWS passed me by mooning me as they did… This wasn’t #Endurolyfe! Pass me the FOMO, I need to YOLO, spell normal words incorrectly, hashtag the house down and ignore the realities of trying to pursue a racing circuit where the vast majority of people there are paid to be there.

Just like an Executive meeting in a corporate, never let the truth get in the way of pursuing high cost ventures with low chances of a result. Plus, as an Ex-Pat, I have the extreme luxury of allowing delusions of grandeur block out real world realities, so I released the hounds, sounded the trumpets and focused my cross hairs on two giant boar, which were unwittingly lined up a week apart:

  • EWS Round 7 – Spain
  • EWS Round 8 – Italy

Blatantly ignoring these are both countries I’ve been before, my investigations revealed that there was zero fucking chance of getting a race spot in either round, despite my highly skilled begging techniques – The Race lists were full and then the waiting list was also overflowing… So I applied for media accreditation and relaxed.

Just between me and the rest of the internet, I was pretty chilled about this as since TP I have suffered from a complete inability to get into any sort of form. Throw in some mycoplasma, that hero of all cunty tropical bugs that prides itself on being as obscure as it is insidious, add a good dose of low motivation and you have the perfect recipe for producing subpar riding form.

And then this happened… Cue fart noise:

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File under: Beware what you beg for

Yeah, more than just a bit last minute, we have rammed ourselves in the back door like a KY coated ferret, which means there is a better than average chance of ending up stuffed and mounted on a Spanish mantlepiece with a surprised look on our face. So then, with that in mind, let’s get into the chorizo of what this mission is about.

Part 1 – The Spanish Cliche

The biggest challenge of Part 1 will be avoiding using the standard Spanish cliche’s of ‘Armada’, ‘Inquisition’, ‘Paella’, ‘Isn’t Valverde a bit of a cunt’ and ‘Cool, the Protour is in town, warm up the pawn shops’. There’s also the small matter of an EWS round to take on as well.

We’re off to Ainsa in the Aínsa-Sobrarbe region… Which means pretty much nothing to most of us, so perhaps get your lips around the low down from the race book:

The village of Ainsa and the region of Sobrarbe represents a tiny spot on Spanish map, not to mention the whole earth.

A true demographic desert (just 3,5 inhabitants per square km, like the Sahara desert) which features a huge environmental richness, outstanding natural beauty and, paradoxically, historical and cultural richness

3.5 people per square KM? That’s clearly a lot of midgets. Ha, they ain’t got nothin on the cHub which boasts 7,814 people per square km… Suckers. So where the fuck is this place? Well, allow me to provide absolutely no insight at all with the worst Google map screenshot ever managed:

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“Its kinda in the middle, up by France eh”

I’ll be honest, I always thought that if I was going to get in amongst the Pyrenees it would be A) On the French side (basically fluent) and B) on a road bike. But… Radness waits for no man, so its time to Nomadness the fuck up and explore an all new zone, which I have to admit I know virtually nothing about.

What we do know is that on Day 1 of the EWS Round 7 race there will be 1600m of climbing and on day 2 it backs up with 1400m… So about 3 times the climbing of a National XC race in Singapore per day. Yay.

“That’s ok homie, its ENDURO, so you can chill esse”

No Punto, we can NOT… This is EWS YO, so if you fuck your start time, its penalty beat down all the way up to being disqualified, so no time to faff about, take selfies, stalk PRO’s or wallow in self pity post stage. Each day of course has 4 race stages of what will no doubt be some of the raddest gnar that Spain has to offer. Oh yes, I have a sense that the pump will be above me, the 330 of us in Open Men going full gas and the Spanish fans doing spider monkey impersonations track side. To prepare for such eventualities, I have made sure I am fully schooled up on my Spanish in case there is a repeat from Rotorua:

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Si, my banana is cunted

The only other thing I know at this stage is that I will be eating a lot of Paella (Cliche alert), going up against a Spanish Armada of Shredders (ditto on the cliche) and facing your classic ENDURO inquisition in the Mon-Tons (cliche cunt). Terrible… Lets move on.

Part 2 – The Final in Finale

Its not often that I advocate going back to an old flame (apart from Whistler and Rotorua) as it never really works out, just ask Lewis Hamilton, endless trouble with that old Cougar Doll as a prime example. But, in Finale’s case she is so beautiful and fun that returning seems like the only option that I have.

Not to mention of course, the small matter of the Final Round of the EWS being there! Finals in Finale, doesn’t get more apt does it? Conveniently a week apart from the Spain round, which may or may not be an issue given that at this stage I haven’t been successful in securing an entry… Yes, not cool, but lets look on the bright side:

  • Probably shagged out after Spain given the week of riding before hand and then two days of race pressure whilst trying to avoid Tranny beat down
  • Will allow for ample stalking time if not racing
  • Who doesn’t want more scary selfies of me standing next to PRO’s?
  • I will probably snap my wheels before race day shuttling in Finale, so less stress

Whilst I have already frothed more than a bad Starbucks frothachino here and then in motion pictures here, I felt that I had only experienced the Dirty tip in the two days that I had there back in June, so its a place well worthy of more.

And now, something for the Gear heads

Honesty call here – One of the overriding motivations for this mission is the simple fact that I just want to be back on this weapon of mass shredding and in decent terrain, and fuck, like Kate Upton next to a bottle of massage oil, it just wants more:

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So wet in fact you’ll want to spread your legs or break dance, its all in the interpretation

The #Nomadness is set for more Euro love, pretty much in the same guise that it took on in EuroEnduro Part 1, but with some notable tweaks as part of the refit:

  • Swapped the Fox 36 Talas for a 36 Float – Chur to Das Wolf for the hook up. And yes people, it IS smoother, so get involved, but more on that after some proper beat down in Europe
  • The Reverb is a full rebuild, ditto the rear shock
  • The M70 rear wheel sees a return to service… Wait… What?!
  • We’re trying the new Maxxis Tomahawk tire on the back… Its SO fucken ENDURO right now, so watch this space. It will either be a winner, or it will fuck me over like Maxxis did in March. The fact it took 3 people to get it on the rim in the shop can be interpreted many ways.

I know what you’re thinking and YES, I am the guy taking Enve Rims back to Finale again… “Are you mad man?!

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“What do you mean they had a ‘Bad Batch’?! They’re not muffins are they?”

Look at this way, if I fuck another set then it A) makes for good story and B) confirms that these things are cunts and you all get the joy of standing around an Enve bonfire toasting marshmallows, which let’s face it, is pretty much the most useful thing about the Internet.

And now for the twist

So then, a twist at the end… A sting in the tail… A soft landing, call it what you may, but the best part perhaps is that this mission is the first in what is probably best referred to as Dirty Nomad 2.0. No, haven’t redesigned the site again, but instead I have once again unplugged from the Matrix…

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“Oh… Looks like everyone else are in meetings all day… Or all life”

Uh huh… that’s the one, once again punching out from Corporate womb to restart the full time job of scrounging around for coins to pay for overpriced coffee. More on that later, but suffice to say that a jaunt to Europe a good way to celebrate being Dirty born again… Again… Plus, its time to get away from the cHub to somewhere that you can actually ride a bike outside in and not have to worry about lung cancer:

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Smokey and the Bandits

It all kicks off Friday night, so watch for the Dirty updates forcing their way into your box over the next few weeks as the sequel unveils itself!

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