So at last its finally time for something more exciting than Lil Kim firing rockets into the ocean for his birthday! The first fully legit mission for 2017. None of this mini mission BS where I try and dress up a 3 day trip into a faux life experience… Fuck no, its time to put a big slab of undercooked meat into your vegan friends sandwich and cause some first world offence.

The big meat in question? None other than the third instalment of Dirty Mega March. I’m not sure what it is about March, but it seems to always end up as kind of a big deal. Perhaps its reaching a crescendo of FOMO after watching everyone enjoying Jan and Feb in a Southern Hemisphere summer? Perhaps its because by March I’ve finally got semi-svelte and fit enough to not melt down? Or perhaps I’ve just had a fucking gutsfull of the cHub weather by that stage. Whatever the case may be, March is always Yuuuuuge x 140 characters:

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March – Making you have so much fun you’re happy to look like a cock since 2015

And this March is currently in the gym working out to make itself into an absolute fucking beast too just quietly. Its fairly intent on making 2015 and 2016 look like idiots. On the menu over the next 3 weeks or so? Some may claim its a platter of NZ’s finest:

  1. NZ Enduro – When you look at the start list, there’s a case to actually call this ‘EWS Round 1’, incognito. I think there are almost more PRO’s than amateurs and the ‘amateurs’, if you can even call them that, are all absolute fucking shredders. So, I’m either going to be spending my time coming across as a middle age stalker awkwardly on the fringes of conversation, or shitting myself about getting run over. Worth remembering last time I dropped in Nydia Bay it ended up like a scene from the Predator where I was one of the guys that got skinned and my spine ripped out. I also swore I would never ride in there in the wet… Good thing for me then that its forecast to piss down for 2 days <<Insert Russian hooker jokes here>>
  2. Wairoa shuttle day – In a case study that being a little bitch on the internet reaps rewards in the modern age (an apt theme for 17), I’ve somehow managed to get a spot on a private shuttle day at none other than Wairoa Valley, THE place that has been at the top of my Froth List for some time, along with Madeira. But wait, there’s more! At last count there are currently 8 PRO’s in attendance, so stand by for more cringeworthy photo ops than you can throw a detachable helmet face guard at
  3. EWS Round 1 Rotorua – Holy fuck, can you believe its been 2 years already since my first annihilation/experience of EWS Racing? Since then I have added 4 more rounds to my conquest list, so I’m intrigued as to how it will feel returning to the scene of the original crime. No bananas this time around.

The original plan was to start this madness marathon with a debut at the Christchurch Bike Park, and I really don’t want to say that idea went up in smoke, but its no longer just a terrible pun… The park remains closed on account of the hideous fires there last month. A shout out to all those impacted and respect to the hard work that I know will go back into getting CAP back on its feet.

Weaponry for this expedition of radness? The Hightower gets the nod on its first major deployment, which will include its debut against the clock. Given pretty much the whole world is now on them, you’d be a salmon on meth to not be on one. Watch this space as I chalk up enough mileage to hopefully do a rantview that adds a modicum of value to your purchasing knowledge, whilst pronouncing 27.5 wheels dead like a total fuckwit.

It all kicks off this weekend, with the NZ Enduro action, which will consist of mostly blind racing, a lot of PRO frothing, potentially a shit load of rain (all that dry Thai shredding coming in super handy) and one epic Helicopter uplift on Day 3. Oh and yes, you fucking bet I’m going to absolutely fill my boots with the cliche that is demanded of me in the event a chopper is present…

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Been waiting since 1987 for this shit… Sad!

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