Woah, somehow January got totally vaporised faster than a line of charlie at an NRL Straya Day party and we’re machining Feb already… Making me even more self conscious that I seem to have sweet FA sorted for 2016 so far, I’m almost into Corporate territory of planning out my year at the end of Q1.

Leaving the dream like roads of the H Bay behind, its been back to the cHub for more sweet & sour groundhog action… Epic life events aside, January didn’t have anything exciting to scream about and with no mission locked in yet, I adopted a simple philosophy:

When in doubt, mileage the fuck it out

The result? 1,630km’s in the bank for the month… In the context of the cycling world not an overly significant number, but it managed to be double the monthly average from 2015, possibly the biggest month in years and even somehow managed to include two 500km+ weeks back to back.

Whilst I was busy attempting to self fellate over my soft cHub milage, I happened to notice how some others had spent January via the biggest source of cycling FOMO, what did Strava have to say about this?

x

“I’m sorry sir, you seem to have brought a tiny penis to the mileage gunfight”

Holy Fuck – 10,481km’s for the leader? In a month? Is that shit for real? And if so, WHY?

338km’s on average every day… for a month… Every, single, fucking day. Just let that number sink in for a second… The longest road ride I’ve ever managed was 221km’s, mostly through the cuntery of Malaysia years ago and I was more fingered than a stripper at an ANZ Markets party afterwards.

Having never seen a number north of 300 on my Garmin, let alone for 31 days in a row, its hard to actually conceptualise what that must feel like. I mean, fuck, its an average of 11.5 hours per day ride time on the bike. What the fuck?

x

Basically the Forest Gump cycling scenario

Much like comparing your life to that of a PRO ENDURO riders one on Instagram, I started to get the major shrivel factor at my January efforts. Don’t confuse this for respect, its more along the lines of bewilderment that anyone would WANT to ride that much. I mean, in a month that’s more than my entire 2015 annual riding total.

but wait, that isn’t even the tip of the iceberg shaped mileage dildo

Yes, the dude in question (just so happens to be a kiwi…) is actually intending to do this every fucking day for the entire year. Yup, turns out its a world record mileage attempt and thats the sort of pace you need to sustain daily to take the record. Fart noise.

Just think about that for a whole year. 365 days of attempting to ride over 330km’s on average. No movies… No Mojitos… Date night can clearly go and fuck itself… As can work by the looks. Raining outside? Too bad, get on it. Legs fucked? Too bad, get on it. Small niggling injury? Out you go son… Take a day off? Let that mileage spread into the future days. This would have to be the hardest record to get in all of cycling?

After 11 hours of riding a day and I’m guessing another 2 in elapsed time, you’d have just about enough time to fill your drink bottles, eat like a mofo and then reflect on how numb your balls were before slipping into a painful coma to repeat it all over again in 8 hours time. I respect that sounds like a normal day at work for a lot of people, except without the gels.

When most people see this kind of effort that defies belief the usual response or reaction is along the lines of “Amazing/Respect/Incredible/epic” etc etc and yes, I’m sure its all of those things. Except I’m going to go in a different and probably unpopular direction on this topic:

Fuck that

In fact, that should be in capitals. Not hating, don’t get me wrong, you’ve got to tip your Dirty cycling cap at someone that wants to ride that distance every single day for a year, but I suspect that it would actually run a very high risk of ruining the love for the sport that you have in the first place (you only get out of bed to ride that distance every day if you fucking love it).

During my measly by comparison 500km weeks (or 1.5 days of riding for Dr Cycling) I got to the point where I couldn’t even stand wearing lycra any more. Little body niggles start to become focus points, you start to wonder if its a good idea to have that many Nuun tablets and it costs a fucking fortune in coffee. Yes, seeing the mileage pile up in little bar graphs is slightly addictive I will admit, but it clearly has its limits for most of us.

At one stage when I was letting this post stew in my mind like a rabbit your crazy ex happened to find, I considered trying to ride a 340km day to see what it would be like, thus allowing me to make a more informed and insightful comparison and therefore post. Yeah, fuck that… Aside from the fact it wasn’t going to happen in the cHub with the heat and being smothered in cunt piloted BMW’s that strangely leave the factory sans indicators, I’m not sure I could hit that mark on a road bike in a day solo. If I could, it would involve so much coke and gels I would need my stomach pumped, or I would end up in quarantine afterwards.

So then, with those uninformative rantings, good luck to Dr Cycling with the record attempt and a year off from anything resembling a comfortable life. I presume he read this on LinkedIn and thought “Fuck normal for a year

MusingsBefore closing out on the topic of mileage madness, how about just some plain madness. Yes, crossing to somewhere cold and muddy, the CXNT World Champs have been on this past weekend and its allowed me to wallow smugly in validation.

First up there was the Motoman, or should I say Motowoman incident of mechanical doping that threatened to turn it from the CX Worlds into the MX worlds. The fact that it was an U23 Woman that got busted cheating like fuck is a huge step forward for those Cyclingcocktips followers who are endlessly calling for equality in cycling – Well, pucker up motherfuckers because all I can say is…

Ho Ho Ho...

Welcome to the cheating party PAL

This story got every weirder than the fuck bags that rushed to defend her… First there was the classic “Oh, that old thing? Its like totally not my bike” line rolled out… The brother came to her defence, yes, the brother that is serving an EPO doping ban #nestofcunts. But wait, there’s more! Finally we have the old man and said juiced brother being done for rare bird smuggling… WTF? Some Neck Level weirdness going on here.

I guess if you can jam a motor into the Wilier frame, then fucking A, ram in a few Parakeets while you’re at it. Speaking of Wilier, they didn’t fuck about either and dropped the hammer on a law suit with such speed that even the Specialized legal department was impressed.

But while I was close to reaching a cuntgasmic peak over this story that keeps on giving, the final ball tickle was this awesome moment which is hard to top. As any Goat will tell you, nothing like celebrating early and in doing so, getting a direct entry into the 2016 COTY Awards:

And on that note I’m off to bask in my Silk Validation dressing gown and prepare for getting back on the MTB for the first time since November… As well as work out what the fuck is going on this year, watch this space for a Dirty update soon.

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