Monday back in the house, pissing all over the floor and after a long weekend its definitely not giving a courtesy flush either… But, lets ignore the usual Monday BS and crank literally, like a massive bike related pun, into a whole bunch of Randomness that’s taken a number from those automated queuing machines we all hate, and has been waiting semi patiently to get up in your grill now that you’ve given up on trying to be productive and have made that sweet release decision to surrender to internet based drivel.

First of all, reaching out from BC and slapping me around the face in a manner that makes me want it to stop and continue all at the same time, the first assault wave of Whistler Opening Day social media has flooded forth filled with more FOMO than you can shake an XL sized Doktor at. Yes, its absolutely made me start to feel like if I don’t go this year my life will be exceedingly incomplete (important to ignore that I’ve been the last two years). Fair to say that opening day appeared to be popular?

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A rare example of when you can queue and be happy at the same time

Reshaped trails… New Trails… Open two weeks earlier than usual and above all, its fucking WHISTLER. Does it ever get old? No… Am I already feverish and plotting on how to get back there again this year? Fuck YES. It has the distinct scent of an obsession, I can now massively sympathise with you Dick…

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“Listen – Just get me flights to that mountain cunt, NOW”

Whilst we couldn’t be at Whistler opening day, a fact that makes me less of a person, we did manage to dispatch one of the DN Global Collective to scope out a bike park of a different kind. Yes, Das Wolf is back in New York and whilst he wanted to spend the weekend smashing double hot dawgs and watching sport no one understands, we reminded him of his duty as a roving affiliate to go forth and bring back intel of cool places to ride. The brief was clear: No weird CX racing or Central Park crits, bring us GNAR Das Wolf.

The result? Quicker than Little red Riding Hood could stammer “I’m fucked here“, he hunted out Mountain Creek Bike Park outside of the Big Apple to see what’s up…

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nommm nomm nommm…. Bike Park Laps…

Its very hard to not love Bike Parks… Yes, they can be unrealistically groomed and people love to bemoan they’re not natural terrain, but boo fucking hoo as they’re a lot of FUN, which is buried deep in there somewhere as one of the main reasons we ride bikes. Das Wolf spent the day on recon duty for a potential future North American DN tour, ruining his hands and searching for Gnar that Aaron Gwin at some stage smashed to pieces… Found it:

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Wolf vs Rental Bike vs Gnar

A few more trips there and we will be applying for a name change from Mountain Creek to Wolf Creek… Would totally add another dimension to its branding appeal.

Right then, time to bust out the headphones and take a quick glance around you at work to make sure no narking cunt can see your screen before embarking on some video action worth scoping out. Yes, this is where I make like a pelican and vomit up material that’s been doing the rounds, but in case you missed it, then these are worth a crack.

First of all, we have another entry into the 2015 DN Cunt of the year awards! Ok, so it hasn’t been a great season so far in PRO cycling for those that drive support vehicles, but this one has extra special burn. Imagine it, you’ve already hit the deck in a shit house pile up at key moment in the Tour of Romandie… You remount and then get fucking doored by the one person you never thought would be capable of such a thing… The medical car. Watch in utter horror as this cardinal rule is beaten senseless:

Spare a thought for Svein Tuft there, hitting the deck with that number of bottles jammed down your jersey? Horror show.

Speaking of car doors, one of our Northern Affiliates went to head out on the weekend, got to the end of the driveway and found some local race had totally fucked up his street. Realising he vaguely recognised some of the people going past, he snapped a few pics and sent them in like any good spy would.

This guy here has won a few things from time to time, first outing in the new kit and a wry smile on his face to finally be no longer in a team with the PRO Cat man. Seen here trying to dodge the assassin team dispatched from the Vatican for putting SHAM and Zipp Wheels on a Pinarello:

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Unfortunate logo placement on the Lotto knicks there

Ignoring the fact that Tour DE Yorkshire fell into the same trap as Tour OF Bintan in wanting to be French when woah, clearly its NOT, always good to see some PRO action zipping past your front gate on a Sunday morning. This one for all the BMC Fans I know we have tuning in, Ben Hermans the Stage 3 winner getting into his work:

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#PRO

The crowd looks pumped in a Northern type way there, but no doubt not quite in the same league as the ROMANS. Yes, some may recall from part 1 of the EWS report that Stage 1 had a particular corner, the whole banana scenario, where the hecklers were running the show. Well, now we have found some actual footage of their handiwork, which has to be said is world class. Check out my favourite of the extremely hard to co-ordinate silent heckling, massive kudos for the crowd control needed to pull off that effort:

Logic would dictate you can block that shit out when racing, but speaking from experience that was basically impossible, it was abuse of such quality it was hard to keep a straight face, let alone a race face on.

To heckling of a different kind… I make no secret of the fact that I loathe CX bikes and the discipline in general, so it does feel a little inappropriate to be putting this in today. However, as you’ll soon see, this is not BAU CX activity and coupled with the fact that Yoann is a maaaaad EWS Shredder, makes it worthy material to watch and go “How the fuck...” through most of it. Best watched in HD:

Yeah, decent… I had the privilege of watching him kick ass on the tough section on Stage 5 during EWS practice and can confirm that he’s a fucking weapon, just in case the above video wasn’t enough proof already.

Finally today, some pain appreciation is in order, as we behold not only the stunning scenery of this shot, but also the clear intent of the Maniacal Hawk laying down some suffering in Niseko as the boys head out to smash some of the local classics. Word: THIS is how you debut new DN kit…

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I got 99 problems and the Hawk ain’t one…

So that’s a wrap on the randomness for this edition… Oh yeah… And another dude broke the Hour Record again… Respect, but its hard not to think its all just foreplay before Wiggo tears it to pieces thus ruining for everyone else?

And on that notion I’m off to start plotting a Dirty Scheme on how to get to Whistler again…

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