Believe it or not, but this will be the ONLY DRRU in all of March… Laziness you may ask? Perhaps, but more likely its related to the fact we’re on the cusp of Dirty Mega March! More on that coming up this week, but as a taster of sorts, check out this golden little video of the recent 2W ENDURO in Rotorua, forgetting for a moment that this is where I should have been (due to some stages being EWS stages), its a pointer as to what’s on the menu:

How awesome are the trails looking?!! FEVER. Full respect to Wyn Masters for taking the win against none other than ENDURO royalty and prime stalking target, Mr Graves. Congrats to our Queenstown affiliate, Bobby H for getting amongst the action as well!

Right, with the normal Monday dose of ENDURO caressing the palate nicely, how about we follow it up with a series of #marketingeatsdogshit items that have caught the attention recently. The first one is tough for me… I’m pretty unashamed about my epic love of Santa Cruz Bikes, so when they recently teased a new model was about to be globally launched in none other than NZ, I was foaming at the mouth almost as much as Das Wolf, which takes some doing to be fair. Was it a new aggressive 29er? Perhaps another awesome ENDURO model?! Froth Froth Froth. Finally the moment arrived… And… AND… AND…

It was a CX bike:

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Like the time you expected a Rolex as a gift and it was… A pair of socks… And they weren’t fine wool

Ok, so lets forget its the most attractive CX bike ever made and finally a reason to buy such a genre of bicycle (aside from the fact I loathe the discipline), the REAL let down was the fact its rolling a PF30… I was agar. SC have remained the true defender against this turd of a concept, so I feel a bit like I’ve been shanked in the queue waiting for my prison lunch with its inclusion here. Ignoring that, the new Stigmata does look like a bit of a weapon, if you’re into that sort of thing (gross) and if I’m paid money, I’m sure I can do a review when wolf’s is delivered.

I did a mini bleet last week about my new Seven IDP knee pads taking to my knee caps with a blow torch and a pair of pliers. This had been a surprise. I had done a lot of homework, scoped it out, checked the reviews, confirmed the sizing and above all that: These were the same pads as used by EWS Round winner, Fabien Barel. So, you can imagine my eye brow raising look when after putting sticking plasters on my knees, I noted that there was something slightly odd about HIS version of the same pad that I spotted in Dirt Magazine. You have to look closely at the inner leg, but yes, thats a massive fuck off ‘TROY LEE DESIGNS’ logo:

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Its a trap! Turn the credit card around!!!

Another example of why you need to beware when buying something accompanied by the sentence “But the PRO’s use it“, sure they do, and its probably replaced each time they use it. Or, as it turns out, perhaps they don’t use it at all and instead use something they actually like with a giant fuck off sticker slapped all over it? The search for ENDURO knee pad heaven marches on…

To a marketing melt down of a different kind… When the E3 Harelbeke mini classic asked Dirty Nomad to help them out with the promotion of the upcoming race, we were more than happy to get involved and suggest something outside the box. Well, actually, maybe more inside the box? Regardless, it was the perfect time to utilise the DN Blue in a strategic location:

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Some of my best work as a hand model

WOAH – Talk about a melt down! First on the scene losing their minds were all the main stream populist websites that felt the need to pander to their enraged base of johnny come lately cyclists, who once they finished loading their Dogma’s on to their Soccer mom wagons after coffee, got busy complaining how inappropriate this was. When they weren’t preoccupied pulling down their stretched Rapha tops and telling someone from the PTA that “Cycling in the new Golf you know” (FYI Cunts: WRONG, you Play golf, ain’t no playing cycling), then they were busy calling for a lynching mob over such a ‘distasteful’ or ‘vulgar’ promotion.

Forget about Russia invading everyone, this was something well worth losing the noodle over. Some wanted to set fire to their Thule racked SUV’s in protest, but had to rush home to clog the on-line comment boards about how upset they were, before secretly whatsapping their friends from the toilet to comment on how tight that bootie looked (Most likely deleting the messages before mummy checked the phone). Any dude that says “Its terrible honey” actually means “Best promotion EVER“.

Good to see the mass market has lost their sense of humour and ability to chill the fuck out. For everyone freaking out, its EURO man and perhaps instead of jumping on some bandwagon with faux outrage because you think its the thing to do, relax and go for an ENDURO ride. I’m sure that the only person, aside from me, that got a laugh out of it was Peter Sagan… After all, he provided the PRO inspiration…

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I double dare you motherfucker

The UCI of course then panicked that this sort of advertising could be misunderstood as ‘fun’ or worst case, generate some form of popularity and therefore redirected its focus from smashing Astana into oblivion, to having a full mare at the race organisers. Stop this tongue in cheek immediately!

Speaking of Classics season and melt downs, the first race worth getting excited about and staying up for gave us an epic treat over the weekend. Omloop Het Nieuwsblad (super good luck pronouncing that) dished up this insane scenario in the finale. 3 versus 1 equals only one thing: A Gang bang. 3 Quickstep riders vs poor solo Stannard. 2 on 1, maybe a chance, but 3? Time for a reaming… Everyone knew it:

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In Belgian: “Squeal like pig yes?”

Except Stannard… Basically it would appear he is one hard motherfucker, not only did he chase down a Boonen attack that really should have stayed away, he then got out the cycling equivalent of a strap on and turned the tables. Dishing out his own brand of Mayo all over the Belgian Frites, he basically took them to school and then some by somehow managing to win the race! Total baller and a reminder of how awesome cycling is, as well as classic season. I would have loved to have been on the Quickstep team bus when those three arrived back on board… Not sure what Belgian for “You cunts” is, but suspect it was mentioned.

Speaking of CATastrophes, whilst Stannard was showing how hard core Team Sky are for classics season, not all his team mates were singing from the same cat hymn sheet… Nothing more to be said really, other than I’m looking forward to the cobbles stage in this years Tour…

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“Chris, its Dave… Yes, Rupert called, we have to close your Twitter account…”

Promise I tried to get through a Monday post without gratuitous pussy pics, but I would be negligent not to mine that gold when it was so plentiful. Keep up the good work Froome cat.

Its all almost as awkward as asking John Travolta to be the Dirty Affiliate at the Oscars… Last time I do that, when I asked for a pic with Scar Jo, we didn’t think it would be as cringe worthy as this, he’s gone next level and even I can’t match this shit.

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“Did that Bearded guy put you up to this John?”

To some marketing of a positive kind for a change… This one a true reinforcement of the concept of actions speaking louder than words. Whilst the latest line of kit is a bit, er, whack, the good news is Rapha have the perfect service to keep your old classic kit running. When my knicks recently decided to unstitch themselves, I took advantage of the Rapha free repair service, well, free apart from what you pay to send them across. The result? 3 weeks later they’re back, basically brand new and with a 20% discount code for a new pair if I so feel inclined to complete an unnecessary purchase. Good job Rapha, the personal service nice to see. Not very ENDURO, but if your Rapha kit starts to implode, get involved in the free service:

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Jolly good show chaps!

Finally today, we sent our Resident expert on Pave out to scout some new classic’s training camps that had a tropical (read: shit hole) twist to them. We’re pleased to report that Tommke indeed nailed the brief in Myanmar. Its so hot right now, which is why you’ll see pink faced corporate Execs flooding in there armed with the thinnest of business cases about how its the “next big thing” and needing to “get in on the ground floor“. Translation: They just want to hit the 5 Star hotel circuit and ‘meet’ the locals. That’s not to say there isn’t riding to be had though, you just may want to take your own, er, CX Bike? Time to call Santa Cruz… Or just harden up like Tommke and roll the bad ass blue bird, choice as:

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The FTP test – Myanmar styles: Zero fucks given

So… SO… SO… Short week this one, stay tuned for some BIG news dropping later on about what’s coming up for the REST OF THE MONTH.

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