Well, after the Dirty weekend reading was all about the affliction of #iwantitsobadtobePRO, I decided that this DRRU was probably best served having a solid slant to it of actual PROness. Also happened to coincide with one of our Dirty Affiliates uploading his PRO stalking file from Tour Down Under into the bowels of the DN Global Collective server (he e-mailed it to me).

That’s right, T Tap was dispatched to scope out the Tour Down Under (as an aside, a favourite dirty pass time), its a race that has been on my list for a while, as it has all the hallmarks of being a good time away for riding and perving, if you’re so inclined on the road side of things. Especially if you like smoking weather… and wine:

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And powerlines…

Being as Aussie as Bonnie Doon, its no surprise that T Tap zoned in on the Ocker PRO’s, which is fair enough I guess. Patriotic stalking is still stalking in our book, so commendable. Here we can see Mick Rogers enquiring as to who does the best Wagyu steak in town, because let’s face it – Its better to have a cover story and not need it than be caught out nude in an Onsen:

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Fucken B B Q it maaaaate

Here we have a bit of Trans Tasman double team action going down. Hendo and Bobridge away in the break to help Jack keep the climbers jersey – Apparently a decent hand sling from Hendo at the base of the climb to help the effort, that aside, how good are those MF Bora’s?! Campy double team!

TDU

This photo makes me want a pair of Bora’s STAT.

With strict instructions to get close to the action, T Tap wasn’t going to disappoint… Even if it meant almost having Turbo Durbo ride into you and mow you down. Commitment:

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Get outta me country

I would love to know what the Sky boys were talking about here, most likely either how to explain to family members how suddenly they all have asthma or perhaps, debating what social media melt down their team leader would be having next?

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“Fuck, I bet he does something with that fucking cat on Valentines day…”

Sorry boys, the sum of all fears has been realised… Prepare for epic amounts of abuse in French, Italian and Spanish for the classics season as this makes it way around. Do I detect a slight throat choke there? Prudhomme called dude, he wants his jersey back…

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Perhaps a bigger WTF is the 490 people who liked this?

For those PRO’s not busy giving their PR image a golden shower, there was some hard racing to be had in the Tour of Qatar this past week. It seems that this also translated into riding into a sand blaster for hours on end. Yes, it may be warmer than being in snow right now, but I suspect that as they picked sand from their teeth after hours like this, some may have been thinking snow would be a good trade:

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No gutter? What a rip off man…

Whilst we were all thinking it, thank fuck that we have Wiggo to actually say it… His summary: Its a shithole… It seems since the advent of the beard (not to mention winning worlds, olympics, the Tour etc), wiggo has become more and more popular. Suspect he has wanted to distance himself from some serious nerdery, and what better way to do it than rolling up with this set up. Wannabes, eat your hearts out with some sweet & sour sauce NOW:

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35 degs and they make the man wear booties… Rubbish

Warning – RANT alert: Staying on the topic of PROness, but switching genres, some alarming news came in over the weekend – For a number of reasons. First of all, the UCI in their fucked up and corporate like wisdom have decided to NOT grant the Santa Cruz Syndicate DH team a ‘UCI Elite team licence’ for 2015. Aside from a whole lot of cunty impacts, it basically means they can’t compete for team points and title.

Er? What? The team with the current World Cup Champ? The team with 2.75 World Champions in it? The team that has the bike with the most World Cup wins ever? And arguably the most popular team on the circuit? Yes… That team. Stands to reason really doesn’t it I guess? Lets check out the UCI’s track record:

  • Complicit in mass juicing in Road racing… Thanks for the cash Lance!
  • Doesn’t want a bar of Enduro racing, the most popular format around
  • Got rid of Four Cross racing when it got too popular
  • Doesn’t like granting licences to clean teams that don’t have quite enough cash (Europcar), more than happy to endorse cunty ones that are loaded (Astana)

Yes, at this stage its a debate as to if the ‘C’ in UCI stands for Cunts or Corporate, but I think either will do. What it does mean is that the UCI is the automatic winner of the 2015 COTY Awards, as I expect that they won’t be challenged for the rest of the year.

And why you ask, have they decided to not give the hottest team in Downhill mountain biking an Elite licence in 2015? One may think that its because as soon as something gets too popular they like to close it down, but no – Its far more complex than that: Its because they don’t have matching jerseys:

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Minnaar + Peaty + Ratboy = Radness

Are you as confused and frowny as I am right now? First of all, the Syndicate team allows their PRO legends of Peaty, Minnaar and Ratboy to have individual apparel sponsors. Why? Because they are good bastards mainly… It allows for them to have an overall team structure, whilst letting athletes maximise their income by signing individual deals. This is known as being COOL.

At the opposite end of the spectrum, we have the UCI corporate zombies with their rule books. Rule 1,346,897A states:

All riders within a team are obliged to wear clothing that has identical major sponsor placement, layout and overall look, although the colours of men and women’s outfit can be different. In this case two designs must be submitted

Er… But hasn’t it been this way for a few years with the Syndicate? Indeed it has been… Ah yes, but they used ‘discretion’ and allowed them to do it. This seems to have run out in 2015, replaced by cuntery. Whilst it would be nice to have a governing body that was in touch with the sport, but moves like this clearly mean we don’t have such a luxury in cycling. Thank fuck ENDURO is nothing to do with these corporate BS goons.

I’ve sent a note offering the Syndicate some DN jersey for 2015, so let’s see how that pans out. Staying semi on the topic of rad PRO downhilling, the NZ Nationals were held over the weekend in Rots on the same course as the Worlds back in the day. Seriously wanted Blenki to take it out, but good work George Brannigan for repeating. Solid little vid this:

Its a bit of a shame that the UCI have dominated the 2015 COTY Awards so brutally, as we have had some other contenders pop up over the weekend as well. As much as I love Rapha kit, some of their Spring/summer collection has just broken cover, leaving many of us scratching our heads as we mutter “fucks sake” at the ‘retro’ kit…

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Unfortunately its too early for April fools… But not too early to insult the 1960’s

I was just recovering from this styling betrayal before my face was quickly assaulted by another style melt down. Next in the queue we have the 3M team… Its hard to know where to start on this one, even if the kit wasn’t totally whack, then the next obvious question is the matching to the 2012-15 colour schemed Team Evo’s… Yes, as ridden by the Garmondale PRO team. I probably would have asked for Black Inc Evo’s boys and… Well, a totally new kit…

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When everything screams ‘handmedown’…

So, no load shooting on kit this week… Even as it starts to flood out to the Global Collective to be deployed all over the show. Back in the Global Hub however, the locals have got into the spirit of things in the only way they can: By matching their cars to the new logo colours. Currently in discussion around having access to this as the Dirtymobile, just a slight debate about how to install the Thule roof rack, some push back on my DIY drilling for the mounts.

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“It’ll be sweet with a couple of holes through the carbon bro”

Speaking of sparing no expense, we decided to dispatch some of the Global Collective out in the world like Imperial Probes to scout locations and develop concepts for widening our tenuous global reach. It was a no brainer that we would send the Wolf to Wall Street of course… Nothing to do with Coke & Hookers like the movie, its far too cold for those shenanigans allegedly, besides, he’s been too busy organising the Dirty Nomad IPO… And buying cashmere scarf’s. Who the fuck needs a cashmere scarf when you have the worlds most famous pelt?

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“Leave it to me DN, I’ll have the ponzi scheme, ah, I mean float up and running in no time…”

At the other end of the spectrum, we dispatched our Belgian National Champ to Myanmar of all places, to investigate somewhere that no one wants to go to for a training camp and as it turns out, to get his Asian Wings… Based on a true story even… Bravery of the week award goes to Tommke for internal flights in the Third world!

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Learning: Always be safe when getting your Asian wings

And it wouldn’t be a crazy random Monday update without finishing today with some ENDURO love. The TP Organisers have been breaking cover again with some more details on this years race, with these stats becoming particularly helpful for me given I will spend most of June pretending to be French… Oui. Gagging for June already!

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This will work nicely as I spend June pretending to be Le French

#sofuckingendurorightnow… Almost as ENDURO as this lot. DN Bikinis currently in the advanced design phase in our Japanese Design Hub, so get your orders in now… As well as for the second Road Kit run, which will be happening soon:

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“We’re like… So ENDURO!”

This final photo has little to no relevancy, other than to say its my way of trying to bring some equality to the Monday update (and to see who actually scrolls down this far). Solid work just quietly. Have a Dirty week everyone, I’m off to actually PACK a bike, so stay tuned!

Thanks to T Tap for bringing us the TDU action and shots, displaying role model Global Collective behaviour and tenacity!

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