Well, I wouldn’t be much of a cycling related blog if I didn’t recognise the BIG event going down today, yes, the start of Le Tour… In, er, Yorkshire. Yeah, WTF. Someone clearly got out the cheque book, not to mention wanting to surf the current frenzied craze of cycling in the UK. Never one to miss a trick, Rapha have done a video of what its like to ride in Yorkshire in case you desperately wanted to know, adding poetry and music that’s even more depressing than a coldplay CD, the art to making amateur road cycling into good video still a work in progress:

In an odd twist though, most of the locals have been biffed from their tour teams, leaving a lot of tantrums going down on line. My absolute favourite? Mr Millar did his with a sense of humour after a last minute dumping from the Garmin Tour squad:

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Yes, people still ride Cervelo’s apparently

So, who’s going to win this one? Predicting the Giro wasn’t much of a challenge to be honest, but the Tour won’t be as straight forward. There are a millions sites out there doing analysis on this shit, so I won’t add to it, instead we’ll go on emotion and not facts here.

Sure, its basically going to be the inhaler puffing, stem obsessed stick insect that will take it out assuming he survives the cobbles and doesn’t shoot his load too early trying to assert some sort of dominance on the first climb of the Tour. Its very much going to be the F-Dawg vs Cuntador show, but whilst that’s good, there is one unit I want to see get up and smoke them both, even if its a tall order… Yes, Nibbles:

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“I have no idea what this cunt is saying… I am just so hungry I want a Tea cake… or two….”

He looks starved, the things we have to do… I feel you brother, we all need a fix, especially before 3 weeks of 8000 calorie burning days:

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Ready to make love to your mouth

Yes, Nibbles is an emotional pick… He may ride for a team with massively dubious history and odd colours, but he’s getting the Dirty backing for this one (how can he possibly lose?!). I would love to see him get up and take it, but its going to take some epic swings in his direction to do it… Perhaps some epic bad weather in the Alps? Who knows… That long TT plays into the stick insects mitts… Either way I hope its not a boring GC battle with Sky clearing it out and everyone else struggling. The Pave early on should spice things up.

I suspect the really interesting battle will be in the Sprinting world… Yes, there is a shit load of in form mofos wanting to smash each other in the ultimate show down of the lead out trains. Fuck yes, its going to be an epic sprinting battle and I suspect that Kittel and Co may just have the edge on Cav and his boys, its BIG Jerry vs Mini Manx, any thoughts Cav?

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“Foook off Nomad, I’ve seen how shit YOUR form is…”

Yes, its going to be aero and punch Vs Pure German blitzkrieg power, should make for some decent spice on those relatively boring flat stages. I shall of course be hoping for a return of the Green Jersey to the Cannondale stable, its been a relatively quiet year for Mr Sagan, so its time for a big result. However, I’m not a one eyed supporter… Fair to say I am not that pumped with what they have done with the Tour Evo’s. Goes to show that cunty paint jobs extend beyond the factory:

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Paint strategy? Go out at lunch, get cunted and then come back and throw up on the bikes…

The rest of it will follow the formula we love and never get tired of – Breakaways, epic days back to back in the mountains, TT horror as climbers collapse and lose 4 minutes, trains on the long climbs and 3 weeks of stiffy inducing French scenery that makes you go all “fuuuuck I wish I was there!”. It NEVER gets old.

Oddly, I have managed to arrange a travel schedule that means I will miss virtually the whole Tour on TV… WTF, epic cock up that will be hard to swallow. Stay tuned as to why I have ended up with this schedule… In the mean time, Viva Le Tour!

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