Taking a leaf out of the Disney Star Wars playbook here – That’s right my capitalist materialistic friends, dropping some hot and Dirty merchandise right before Christmas. Unlike Disney though, its quality over quantity and with fuck all margin associated. Its also hopefully less likely to end up in the landfill in January.

Given its heading into Souther Hemisphere summer and the rest of the #DNGlobalcollective are now almost buried in snow, I decided to unveil a new addition to the product range which makes little to no sense right now, unless of course you live in Wellington, NZ. Yup, the Dirty Gilet… Which if you’re a mountain biker is just a fancy French way of saying ‘Vest’. Our good friends at Cuore have ripped out another winner right here:

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Jurgen Zack’s dream has finally been answered – No sleeves

For those that like marketing blurbs, here you go, straight from the horses mouth with some Dirty editorial adjustments thrown in to clarify a few key points:

“This lightweight cycling vest (Gilet if you’re flash) with a splash guard in the back is the ideal companion for all cycling tours rides with rad cunts. Apart from the wind-protection it also protects from rear wheel spray (getting sprayed on the back never ideal, allegedly). Side mesh panel inserts provide ventilation. The high-tech fabric is extremely flexible and provides optimum fit, unless you’re obese, then it will just make you look like a badly made sausage”

We’ve also gone for a slightly different look on the back as well, to not overload things with “All that funny Chinese writing” as someone once commented, thanks dumb cunt, it’s actually Japanese Kanji, but I guess all ancient languages look the same to you right? #itdoesntsayanythingontheback

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In shocking developments – It doesn’t say anything on the back!

I asked our “West right up in the East” Niseko hub design guru about changing this up for the Gilet and once he had finished with balling out his grasshopper, literally, he provided some insights into this subtle design change:

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The Master once again showing the Grasshopper who the MF Boss is

The Design Hawk had this to say: “Ja, you know, I just wanted Ze Gilet to be cooool, like when you are in ze club, moving your body, za last zing you want is people all up in ja face with ze: ‘hey Mr Sexy body, what does it say on ze back?!’, its not my fault zese people have no culture”. That’s what we say.

As the Hawk mentions, the new Gilet is excellent if you want to go clubbing in Berlin or need an outfit for that sex party masquerading as a ‘pre-christmas drinks get together’ in your suburban cul-de-sac, just think, ‘Melanie’ from the Tennis Club/PTA won’t be able to keep her hands off you when you rock up with this hot number on.

Best of all, its #Bracelyfe compatible and works well with tiny little twig arms that have matching tan lines which say “I was a cyclist once too“. Prepare to be either high fived, arrested or beaten up (the last two could be at the same time of our American readers):

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Brace for impact

And now for the boring parts:

  • $140 AUD – Or roughly half the price of an Assos Gilet, without the weird model as well
  • Limited stock – I basically under ordered massively in the usual Kiwi modesty fashion, with about half the stock already sold. May have a few left if you’re lucky… May not be in your size is all
  • Sizing – Essentially the same sizing as the Dirty Road kit, if you don’t like it tight, then go up a size is my suggestion. Check it out here
  • Ordering process – Because we don’t hate consumers, no SAP based ordering process here. Instead, send me an e-mail and as per usual we’ll get into a convoluted back and forth exchange about getting you hooked up with some Dirty kit.

But wait – There’s MORE! 

There’s always more… This time we’ve had a resupply of the Dirty cycling cap, which as I sorted of proved in Trans Provence, can also be used for hiking through the French Maritime alps and not just for sitting around at coffee while your partner hates you for being an hour later than advertised:

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Ideal for driving trains, both on and off the tracks, and lounging around at the cafe chatting up the Barista – That’s a unisex statement luckily

There is also some Dirty Road kit stock still here at HQ for anyone that needs their chassis tightly massaged as they glide through back roads on the way to the cafe. Some limited sizes in M, L and XL still available.

Its not all road love though, I have a very limited supply of Dirty ENDURO as fuck jersey’s back in stock too, in their massively ridiculously large sizing as well, which means size down if you’re keen on one:

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In its secondary natural habitat of being thrown down on the bed…

As if that all wasn’t enough already, I’ve still got some Dirty Hoodies available and a shit load of Dirty Bottles still in stock, the latter making an excellent stocking stuffer or also ideal for throwing at family members when you’re pissed and fucked off on Christmas day.

So, literally something for everyone – Make this Christmas a little dirtier, possible now in so many different ways, including sleeveless.

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