Yes, its Giro time starting this weekend! Ordinarily its best to leave commentary and insights into PRO cycling to people/sites that are really in the know (and have people actually there), but its a slow news week, so I thought it best to assault you with some ill informed views of the first Grand Tour of 2014, the Giro d’Italia… It even has its own logo:

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What happens when you ask a 4 year old to draw you a picture of a fat pink person on a bike

Its also the only Grand Tour I am yet to tick off… I was keen to go this year, but the DN CFO wisely suggested that with 2014 Revenue still full nude that perhaps it was more appropriate to watch it on TV (preferably someone else’s TV to lower costs), whilst working on securing income as opposed to standing around stalking PRO’s in the start/finish villages and getting fat on Gelato. Shame really, as I would have loved to have been following this map for May:

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The Tour of ITALY starts where?

Yes, 3,446km’s of brutality set amongst awesome beauty… It would be cliche of me to draw parallels to dating a hot super model that was crazy & angry, but I suspect the Giro is the cycling equivalent. Playing off that theme, last year it snowed to fuck and froze the PRO’s worse than the treatment that an amateur rider gets when he said he would be home at 9.30am coming in the door at 11, with a coffee stain on the side of his mouth (you know who you are). Oddly too it all kicks off in Belfast this year, the Crying Game getting under way early with a Team Time Trial with 90% chance of rain forecast, fun!

Adding to the theme of punishment for this year, I did note in my extensive research of skim reading the race route that the poor fuckers have to climb the Stelvio on Stage 16… What will make them shit their pants about this is that its the only HC climb that I have ever had to stop on because I was so fucked. The only upside for them is that they get to climb it from the ‘easier’ Bormio side. Yes, Stelvio is Italian for ‘Probe your soul repeatedly until you cry, bleed or hopefully both‘. Here we see a joyous Clarso who descended back down from the summit in time to catch me broken and stopped with less than 4km’s to go:

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“You’re softer than a Welsh bladder!”

Riding up the Stelvio was absolute mental and physical torture that day… Its up there with La Plagne for pure cuntishness and horror recollections. Not even a new Rapha boutique jersey could help me that day. Coke has never tasted so good:

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I was actually too broken to move – Clarso had to pour the coke into my mouth via a straw

But its not just about the climbs, the mouth watering scenery or podium girls that make you go Gaaaaaaaaaa pfffftttttttttt, no, what about the contenders! Yes, WHO is going to take this one out? Doesn’t appear to be the strongest field to ever line up to fight to the death for pink bits, but its still got some decent names in it.

My personal fav for this is Purito. Yes, has the downside of being Spanish on a Russian team (historically not a good combo from a morals perspective), but I would love to see him take it out, even if he is riding for Cuntusha. He was also an expert in escaping my PRO stalking in Madrid last year. Here’s the man in action, for once a photo that I took and not stolen from someone else:

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VENGE Purito!! I may have been screaming like a little girl who’s had too much sugar

Heart definitely says it should be Joaquim Rodriguez picking it up. I would love to say Basso, and whilst he is riding the best bike in the Peloton, I suspect that given his recent invisibility, we can’t expect great things from our man in green. He also has a history of epic cracking here, so an outsider at best.

The Aussies will no doubt feverishly support Cadel Evans until he has one or four legendary bad days and loses 10 minutes faster than you can scream “Get off my fucking dog you cunt!”, at which point they will turn on him like the town of Springfield on mushrooms to burn him:

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Hunt the cockroach, catch the cockroach, BURN the cockroach!

Ultimately though, the head says it should be this midget taking the honours, assuming he isn’t too fucked off from not being allowed the ride the Tour this year after coming second last year (WTF?), yes, please pass the kids bike, its Nairo Quintana, 57kg’s of Colombia’s finest, depending on your point of view and lifestyle:

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The second fastest moving white thing to ever come out of Colombia

Will he trade white for pink jersey this year? Remains to be seen, but it should be beautiful to watch. As per usual the third week looks absolutely ball shattering, with a whole host of cunty mountain stages that are significantly harder in person than they can ever look on TV. Just remember that when calling someone a pussy for going out the ass when it hits 18% on the third mountain pass of the day.

And, spare a thought for the suffering when on stage 16 they have to ride up here (again, an original DN shot), fuck I am glad Clarso didn’t make me ride down here and back up again, this is the Bormio side of the Stelvio. Expect they won’t have time to appreciate the scenery:

Epic to the power of rock

My pick on a good place to watch the race from

Let the Grand Tour season commence!!

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2 Responses

  1. Timmy

    Nice 80s filter on the Purito pic, DN. Honestly, it looks like a classic Sean Kelly / Greg Lemond shot. Did you use a 1981 Kodak Tele Ektralite?

    Reply

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