I may be noted for my historical piss taking of cycling industry product managers and companies in general… But today, as the Dirty merchandising
whoring programme rolls on to its next objective like a disavowed tank whilst making even the Avengers merchandising team look average, I’m going to borrow a line from the industry with our latest release:
“We did this because the riders asked for it”
Yes, thanks to the two of you that demanded Dirty Bottles, and after much design angst and a sign off process from the Design Hawk that revolved around however he felt at that particular moment after rising like a nude phoenix from the burning Onsen, with the sticky aroma of sake mixed with Japanese craft beer leaking from his hairless pores whilst he air dried in the mountain breeze, we finally nailed down a couple of stickers on a drink bottle…
With much fanfare, and more excitement than a ponytail fetish you’ve kept on the DL since Uni, I present the latest Dirty disposal item you totally need in your life:
In line with our branding, it needed to be a product that was easy to spray copious volumes of fluid in your mouth with, even catching you by surprise with its force, as well as a quality item that wasn’t going to make you moan “what a fucking gimmick” under your breath.
Yes, much to the disgust of the DN CFO, that cancelled out the $0.03 per unit models from Quanzhou in China which contain more chemicals than a Lance Armstrong turd, and instead we turned to Purist, mainly as they had this cliche tag line that was hard to pass up:
“As pure as drinking from a glass—with all the advantages of a flexible bottle”
SOLD like a hooker on a prison ship… There is also a whole lot of other science stuff apparently that makes these bottles awesome, which no one really understands, but its got all those good points like ‘BPA free’ etc etc to make you feel at ease in case any first world anxieties were creeping up – Chill, this is totally guilt free plastic.
What I can absolutely confirm is that they hold water/nunns, fit in bottle cages and go quite nicely with black bikes and, wait for the upsell, Dirty Nomad road kit…
After extensive testing Tom Steels also confirmed that not only did he like the design, but he would be more than happy to throw them at someones head at 60kph if the occasion warranted it, like in response to a complete lack of simple etiquette shall we say? Regardless, no matter the angle, your bottles will be able to represent:
Don’t feel left out if you are an ENDURO racer, you can totally buy them as well as its #sofuckingendurorightnow to rock a drink bottle, especially if you ruthlessly ignore practically. Speaking of which, how much and how?!
- $25 AUD each plus postage
- $20 AUD each if purchased with a full set of DN Road Kit or an ENDURO jersey, lets face it, make the postage charge worth while right?
- Some form of variable discount if you buy a shit load, like 5 to 10…
- $250 AUD each if you appear to be a cunt, which means you probably hate life as you’re not racing World Cup XC rounds or perhaps you mention the words ‘Cycling’, ‘New’ and ‘Golf’ in the same cliche sentence whenever you get the chance.
If you want to get hold of some, then follow the sophisticated process and hit me here to send a brief summary of your bottle needs, address, cup size and how you like to pay the piper. We’ll then have an unnecessarily convoluted e-mail exchange to nail down the details and get them shipped out. Dirty Nomad powered by Excel and the local post shop.
In line with industry standards – If you do have problems with your bottles the standard response will be they’re “pre-production models“, either that or you may not have tightened the lid on properly, which may be hard to do given the sheer overwhelming quality of these bottles.
Promise I’m not off to design DN branded Mouse Pads… Or Mugs… Or massage oil… Merchandising is a virus…