Someone asked me the other day “What are you doing for Training to become full ENDURO?“, to which my brain instantly translated into “Please write a really long and mildly useful post about your week“, so on that motion, here we go! According to what was floating around masquerading as a plan, February was all about one thing here at Dirty Global HQ:

Getting Healthy and Getting fit

Given that the last time there was a semblance of any form of training was October last year, it was time to get cracking (no accident pun intended) to take on what lies ahead as full Endurofication continues. At last, I’ve finally managed to get through a 3 week block of what passes for reasonable activity:

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The GASH that was November…

However, this graph, like most presented by people who use them to skew a picture to fit their narrative or personal agenda, doesn’t tell the full story. As I indicated when going back to the drawing board, simply doing a million road miles wasn’t the way to go for this year, not to mention that coming back from gimpville required an alternative approach.

Then there is the not insignificant issue that I have to work for this shit… Yeah, not a lot of ‘natural athlete’ here, so, unlike the Welsh Assassin/Don Draper (interchangeable), fitness just doesn’t magically appear when I’d like it to…

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“A what? A training plan?”

So about 6 weeks or so to get in shape before an onslaught of activity unleashes itself on my face, which of course means that my main enemy is the one commodity that you can’t fuck with, control or replenish:

Time

The battle here is twofold, enough time to get fit AND strong, plus enough time during the week to actually execute the work that needs to go in. This of course leads to the next point in this current phase – Double sessions. Not in the way that some may think in terms of riding twice a day, but given what I’m looking at in terms of areas that need to improve, the second session is always something a little different.

So what does the week look like? Well, for those that know me, you’ll know I love a good pattern and routine at times, so I have somewhat settled into the following format. Its partly modular of course, which is a flash way of saying I can change shit around if I want to. Also worth noting, this is based on being fingered in the Global Hub, so no rad shredding and if you want to follow anything like this, it assumes some base miles/work has already been put in. I know a training plan is so #notenduro, but I am also keen to avoid getting an eGang-Bang in March, so roll on the hard work…

Monday

Oh yeah… Sweet, beautiful rest day. Whilst it may seem odd to start the week by sleeping in and watching free internet porn, it will make more sense when you get down to Sunday. Monday is all about kicking it, optional if you want to do some stretching to help loosen things up like a second date, but mainly this is about doing nothing. Thank fuck. Yes, do nothing to the point where its ok to get a wheel chair and have someone push you around for the day, just avoid looking people in the eye.

Tuesday

Morning – On the road bike for something painful… Usually hills, but a session around 2 hours or so that needs to count. Early bird catches the lactic acid, so best to get out and attempt to smash some hills. If its super hard to the point where you want to piss in your knicks, then reward is a coke, chocolate milk and get to work late.

Evening – Yoga… Motherfucking hot yoga at that. Sounds like the last thing that you want to do after the morning, but oddly, its actually quite awesome. Ok, so at the time it may not feel that awesome as you shake your way through a session while the girl on the mat next to you either starts crying or tries to move away. Afterwards though, legs feel great… Bring on hump me day.

Wednesday

Morning – BOOM, Tin time baby! Well, as Herr Doktor describes it, more like gimp tin, or roughly the same weights that his 3 year old can lift. But lets not obsess with details here, its about getting some tin action rolling in the gym. I sort of cheat I suspect, rolling in my core exercises, as well as only really doing weights that make me feel cool: Lat Pull downs, Machine bench press so no one can see how small the weights are etc. Throw in some free weights and its all good. Given I’ve just been working the upper body, I’m quite pleased with the results…

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Arm day getting a little bit out of control…

Evening – Easy spin, hour to 1.5 or so… Optional to sit on the Wahoo and watch either The Wire or Archer episodes to pass the time and ensure that you really sift… Important, as Thursday looms…

 Thursday

Morning – Fuck… Ok, tired by this point and feeling slightly like you want to strangle a household pet (best to invest in some pet insurance), but another decent session to get in the bank. Some form of interval riding in the mix, usually on the hill, usually with two more reps than you want, usually hard as fuck and usually a good excuse to consume coke afterwards if done right. Again around the two hour mark and probably a harder session than Tuesday… Slight chance you’re getting accused of being anti social at this stage as well. Make sure to give yourself some almost real time feedback after the session.

Evening – If you want to get hardcore on it, bank another Yoga session… Or, if you have been like me the last 3 weeks, just get involved in doing some core work on the mat. Stretching also a good plan, even better if you do it nude and someone hot helps you. Always look for ways to make your sessions more interesting.

Friday

Morning – Back to the gym! Ohhhhhh yeah… Feel the PUMP. Or, perhaps just feel a bit fucked and realise your planks are starting to look more like rotten floor boards. Either way, get back amongst the circuit action and build the chassis up. 90% chance I am doing weights incorrectly, but hey, it seems to be working ok so far (“coming off a low base” as we would say in corporate cuntville).

Evening – I tried Yoga one Friday night, then felt a bit drilled the next day, so I’m going to go with falling asleep, face down, probably because I had a sip of beer or obscure Swedish cider. Save something in the sac for Saturday, because, at last, its actually a Mountain Biking moment!

Saturday

Morning – Oh yeah… Best day of the week… Why? Nomad Saturday is why! Possibly only getting any form of love at the moment though due to the trails being relatively dry for a change, not unlike this time last year of course. Saturday is all about getting onto the brilliant beast that is the Nomad Carbon 3, rounding up the ENDURO Wolf and getting jungle on it. Coupla hours in the bush maaaaaate, attempting to make the most of the 15 second downhills that come along every 20 minutes or so, whilst doing our best to avoid the odd smattering of cunts that seem to crawl out of the woodwork mumbling something about a new bike or a lack of training. Key pre-req is dressing like a wet Ninja that’s gone on a tropical holiday:

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“No, its your turn to stand in the photo with the bikes!”

Evening/Afternoon – Back to the Yoga dojo to flow through my Vinyasa, which is a fancy yoga term for me collapsing on the ground in a manner that has the instructor checking I haven’t had some form of seizure or psychotic episode. Again, awesome for stretching the now relatively munted legs and body out.

Sunday

Morning – This is pretty simple… 4 hours on the road bike. Yes, ideally another MTB session, but I need the endurance at the moment, so its group ride time and some decent distance and time on the road. Great if you have a good group to roll with that adheres to #dnpolicy, and a total cunt of a day if you have to roll it solo. Either way, by the time its done and 100 and something KM’s are banked, that fucking coffee is going to taste super good.

Sunday afternoon is optional, chances are its some sort of epic bike faffing, or perhaps a core or yoga session, or if its been a tough weekend just spend the time pouting/sulking. A massage not a bad plan if you’ve remembered to book it, probably not given your jaded state.

Then, rinse and repeat…

How to keep motivated? Well… Its pretty easy when you get e-mails like this coming in…

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Fart… Faaaaaaaaart… And thats before seeing the start list

OMFG, it says ‘Athletes‘ in the e-mail address!!! More exciting than an extended motorboating session! And on that note, I had better fuck off and continue attempting to become an athlete. If you have any training tips, feel free to hit me in the comments section. Chur.

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One Response

  1. Diana

    Just wondering…would swimming be a good addition to your training regime? You have that amazing pool downstairs…some goggles and you’re good to go!

    Reply

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