I’m still in a state of Endurophoria since last weeks momentous confirmation of entry to Trans Provence 2015, but we can’t just rest on our XTR Trail pedals there can we, not with so much fucking randomness queuing up at the door to come in, drink the house down and then fire truck all over my Ikea Faux Persian rugs.

Lets kick things off with the obvious cycling elephant trying to hide in the kitchen, this weekend saw the Tour OF Bintan unfolding in the shithole if you’re being honest luxurious tropical paradise of, well, Bintan. This was the first time in the last 4 years that I didn’t have to go through that pilgrimage of logistical debauchery to attend a road race organised by Triathletes (not unlike rocking up to an orgy put on by prudes). Given it was my first ToB absence since arriving in Asia, I asked the boys to get me lots of pics that would bring out the awesomeness of the weekend of RACING for DN readers on a Monday while they avoided work and planned their next move on a hot co-worker. Their collective effort? Wait for it… Here we go – 3 days of hot & heavy stage racing summarised in the only pic submitted (thanks Jormey – Surprised you had time with all those in-room massages, BEAST mode):

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#shouldhavestayedatthepool

Unfortunately the team in Cat 1 (not to be taken literally) suffered the almost impossible scenario of everyone getting punctures… Yip, like some sort of ex-partner voodoo curse, thousands of miles in training with no punctures (Goat excluded) and then BOOM, a tsunami of them on arguable the most important Saturday of the ‘season’. Shit house for the boys, I of course helped out exceedingly by suggesting a very fashionable full time switch to ENDURO, but the Goat was having none of it. Perhaps it was the new race T Shirts I had made up for them?

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Based on a true story

That exact attitude was behind El Goat rebounding the next day for a credible 6th on the final stage. Zebra survived his first Cat 1 Bintan, high 5 and Jormey survived the killing fields of Cat 2, so congrats team. Did I miss Bintan this year? Ah… not really no to be honest, but never wanting to disappoint on bringing you some quality racing action, here’s a stock shot that perfectly captures the team work at play when the boys realised it was puncture city on stage 2:

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“Goat a wheel I can use?”…. “Naaaaaaaaahhhh”

Still, I’m betting that conditions weren’t as challenging on Bintan over the weekend as they were recently at the East Ukraine Regional Track champs. Seems that Separatists remodelled the facilities after not being allowed entry (sold out, ENDURO style), damn Rebel scum. It didn’t stop some getting out and still putting down some decent Strava times though:

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“I’m really glad GP didn’t show up this weekend…”

For a final word today on Road racing, a couple of big rounds coming up in the NI Series back in NZ, so the Rivet boys decided to get out on the weekend and literally run a train on the Aka’s, tearing it a whole raft of new segment times all over the show like indiscriminate teenage vandals. Even better than that, after 16 months of trying, finally they got a TDF sized squad out in all matching kit (lets ignore Helmets and socks, work in progress, but Giro let us know if you’d like to come to the party). Good to see the boys working it back in the land where ambulances actually contain medics in them:

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#aboutasproasitgetswithoutbeingpro

I almost thought the weekend of excitement and randomness was finished with me after my kit OCD had been meticulously satisfied, and then, like a misplaced oily hand in a Bintan massage, things went next level when Santa Cruz dropped this pic on-line of the NEXT V10c DH bike… This thing is looking hotter than a sauna with Kate Beckinsale, and currently you’ll have better luck tracking down a Unicorn that can make you a sandwich that isn’t too dry, release date still not set, but I suspect this will be one of the hottest DH bikes of 2015. Put an Ohlins shock on one and it will be hard to say no to (given my starting position of being awesome at saying NO to Santa Cruz anyway):

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Making all other DH bikes look instantly ugly

Almost as cool, photo Nuke bomb of the month award goes to none other than our Wolf, who pulled off this excellent piece of work, giving that damn winking pussy what it deserved. The chick in the foreground clearly trying to keep her amusement in check to avoid the wrath of Lil Kim as he gets totally punked by Das Wolf, whilst cronies feverishly take notes and trying to ignore Wolf antics:

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“Just stay real quiet bluey… Or I’ll bleed you out, leave you here…”

Speaking of awkward photos… The Froome dog tied the knot over the weekend, taking a short break from stem watching to get hitched. Dirty congrats. Unfortunately, Cyclingnews didn’t really help out what some people may have muttered about the champ by this slightly confusing fuckbook update and stock photo… Or as one Dirty Affiliate mused, perhaps Wiggo has got a job as an editor at cNews?

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The happy Groom… and… ah…

Almost as eyebrow raising as we mop up the bottom of the random barrel, make sure no narking nerds at work are watching and then get amongst this mental City DH action from Mexico recently. Halfway through a rather drawn out ‘Breaking Bad’ marathon I now have absolutely zero desire to actually go to Mexico (as what you see on TV has a 97.6% chance of happening to you in reality), but this looks like perhaps one of the best reasons to, assuming you like riding down stairs, fast:

And FINALLY today… A Dirty public service announcement on Penguins. A lot of these facts were new to me and I suspect being a protected animal and in animated movies means that a lot of these traits fly under the radar, but I was surprised at how many penguin haters are actually out there. I’ve never had a run in with one, but it seems the feet aren’t as happy as Disney would have you believe, so take these elements into account and in future, shoot first:

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Trying to undo all that Madagascar penguin PR…

Its still full gimp mode here at the Global hub, so stay tuned for some philosophical musings at some stage…

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